Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blogosphere's leading producer of maize, what you call 'corn'.
I am Dave-El, the perpetrator of this little patch of internet silliness. Today, I'm posting another one of those narrative tweets which I do from time to time in spite of the pleas of mercy from my Twitter followers.
The deal is to post a series of Tweets that ultimately tells something resembling a story. And usually, I have little or no idea where that story is going to go when I start.
Usually, the impetus for one of these exercises in creativity (or torture, I'm good either way) is a trending topic hash tag on Twitter. For the narrative being presented today, it all started back on May 20th when one of my followers posted this:
Karen Miller
I shouldn't have had pastry AND gelato even though it's a cheat day #foodshame
While Karen meant one thing by #foodshame, I used this tag to launch into a different story, a story of loneliness and rebellion, of how love can make you feel cool or crush you into the salad crisper, sometimes with the same person. Add a dash of Rebel Without a Cause and a hint of West Side Story and you have the grand epic tale told originally in Tweets:
The Secret Shame
When Good Food Goes Bad
When Good Food Goes Bad
Mayo felt low, lower than he ever had before. He didn't want the other condiments to see him. He had gone bad.
It wasn't all his fault. Nobody noticed him, choosing other condiments over him. Still he felt bad for going bad. #foodshame
What if Mayo wound up like Milk? Nobody liked to talk about when Milk went bad. It was a very ugly, shameful scene. #foodshame
I think I would've stopped there but then Karen added this:
I think of Mustard as the extrovert in the fridge. Ketchup would try to cheer Mayo up, but fail.
I pick up that thread:
Mustard talks to him. He never went bad but he's been overlooked since Grey Poupon moved in. He knew Mayo's pain.
Ketchup hung around. He used to be the life of the party. Then Salsa showed up and it was party over.
Karen decides to add a little "heat" to this narrative:
Tabasco and Salsa get in a fight over who's tougher. Newman's Own dressing tries to calm things down.
Then the drama grew more intense as I added this:
As the hot sauces continued to brawl, Mayo noticed...her! All sweet & sultry with a Southern charm: Honey BBQ.
"Whatcha doin' over there, shugah?" Mayo tried to stay cool. "Just keeping to myself," adding "I've gone...bad."
"Bad, huh? I like my condiments...bad" Honey BBQ purred. Mayo was calm: "I'm as bad as they come." #foodshame
Suddenly, Tabasco stopped fighting Salsa & pushed past Newman's Own. "Honey? What the hell?" Mayo's spirits fell. #foodshame
Honey BBQ sidled up to Tabasco. "I'm just having some fun, hot stuff. I mean, Mayo? C'mon, he's gone bad." #foodshame
Mayo knew he had been played but for a moment, it felt good to be wanted. But that's a lost dream now:
Mayo was bad.#foodshame
Mayo was bad.
Well, enough of this nonsense as I tweeted to Karen:
And THAT is really the last one! Cue credits and...The End!
But Karen has the last word:
Trying to think of a way for Mayo to end it all. Into the compost bin. Takes packets of year-old soy sauce with him. #foodshame
And so ends our little condiment drama. But there is one more item in the fridge who is not happy about his part in
The Secret Shame being cut:
Remember: the potato salad is NOT to be trifled with.
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Here are links to other Twitter narratives I have created.
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Thanks for popping in today. Remember, you can follow me on Twitter at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo Dave-El on Twitter is brought to you by Mohammed Morsi's House Party, Al Jazeera's #1 Dance Show!
Also kudos to Karen Miller for her inspiration and participation in our little food drama. Follow Karen on Twitter at https://twitter.com/maya_dancer.
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