Friday, August 9, 2013

Broken News for Friday, August 10, 2013

 Hello, everyone! This is Dave-El and WELCOME to my little slice blog heaven, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You.

It's Friday, I've got the fortress all to my lonesome and I don't know what to do with myself. Well, I know a few things but that's PERSONAL and none of your business. Besides, I don't know where those tights and chains are anyway.

OK, they MIGHT be in the Tupperware box behind the Christmas decorations on the bottom shelf of the left side of the garage! But I don't know that for sure.

All right, I checked last week and the box is still there. But NO! I'm going to focus my energies on being productive, getting some things done around here. Damn, this is fortress is in a mess. How did I let this happened. I deserved to be punished.


You know what? Let's cease this line of discourse and let's get down to business with Broken News. Why Broken News? Because you haven't suffered enough, that's why!

Headlines start in 5...




#BrokenNews “GOP Rep: Embassy Closures Make U.S. Look 'Like A Bunch Of Cowards'” Last year: “Why didn’t we close Benghazi sooner?” Now: "Tastes great!" Last year: "Less filling!"


It's like a cat who's inside then he wants to be outside; so he goes outside but now he's changed his mind and wants to come back inside. Wherever you are, the cat wants to be on the other side of that.  

Why won't they let me into the Sisterhood? WHY?!?!?

#BrokenNews “House GOP Keeps Defunding Group That Doesn't Exist” That’s a damn lie! The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants IS real!  




Hey, can I join you guys? I have travelling pants!



#BrokenNews “NRA Has Unexpected New Enemies” But I thought the Sons of Anarchy were on their side!



#BrokenNews “Bill Clinton Shares The Best Piece Of Advice He's Ever Received” It was from Hillary: “Screw another whore & I cut your balls off!”


 Just a reminder that this edition of Broken News is brought to you by the new sequel to SHARKPANDA. Prepare for the cuddly sharp tooth terror of....



Now back to MORE

Broken News

(because you're not crying yet)


#BrokenNews “Weiner's Sexting Partner Makes Porn Video” Nice to she’s moving up from the world of politics. Hopefully she'll meet a better class of people.

Still, porn and politics have something in common: Screwing people is just part of their jobs.


#BrokenNews “9 Mistakes You're Making With Scrambled Eggs” Is using them for a sexual aid one of them? Just asking…for a friend.

#BrokenNews “Mike Huckabee Calls Muslims 'Uncorked Animals'” I would find this more offensive if I knew what a CORKED animal is.

#Broken News “Couple Married 73 Years Eats Pancakes Every Single Day” It helps replenish their strength after sex.

#BrokenNews “Bill Clinton Makes Statement On Weiner” Then he said something about that guy running for mayor of New York City.

#BrokenNews “Weiner's Sexting Partner: He's Lying” Odd, Anthony Weiner seemed so trustworthy before. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       #BrokenNews “10 Unusual Ways To Have An Orgasm” Only 10, Any issue of Cosmo will give you 40 or more on their list.




 Let's see Good Housekeeping post those kind of numbers! 

  Not quite the same thing, is it?

#BrokenNews “How Porn Sex Is Different From Real Sex” For starters, I can rewind porn sex. (The remote doesn't work on the wife. I know; I've tried the "mute" button.)

#BrokenNews   ”Mark Wahlberg to Justin Beiber: Stop Smoking Weed, You Little Bastard'” Mark Wahlberg, the people of Earth salute you! (And say “hi” to your mother for me.)  

#BrokenNews “Miley Cyrus Strikes A Pose In Her Underwear” Hey, I’m striking a pose in my underwear right now! (And now the staff at Panera Bread are asking me to leave.)  

#BrokenNews Republicans Warn Of GOP Train Wreck” Weird! Not many GOP politicians take the train 

#BrokenNews Santorum: Liberals 'Make It Uncomfortable For Students' To Shower At The Gym

Guess who has a tiny penis?

OK, that wraps up this Friday's edition of BROKEN NEWS! (We didn't break it; it was already broken when we got here.)

Broken News has been brought to you by....

Alex Rodriguez E-Z Chairs! For when you have a lot of time to sit & think about what you did!

Tomorrow: Doctor Who Saturday as we take a break from The Nemesis Who Stole Time and examine...
The Paradox of the Eighth Doctor!

Be good to one another.


MUSICALS AWAY! Mamma Mia! AND Moulin Rouge!

It was a MUSICALS weekend at the Fortress of Ineptitude as the family gathered to watch two movie musicals this weekend. Both movies were ...