Friday, August 2, 2013

Broken News for Friday, August 2nd, 2013

Greetings, seekers of truth and enlightenment. Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. I am Dave-El and if you are on a quest for truth and enlightenment, let me say this: you're in the wrong damn place.

Sorry about that.

But here's what we got going on. It's Friday and that means you all get punished.  Nah, just kidding. No, it's Broken News time!

This is Dave-El's computer. Yeah, you're still getting punished.

Yep, our weekly wacky look at some of the news headlines from the past week. (See it's not "breaking news"; it's news that has already happened so it's "broken news". Get it?

Dave-El's computer again. Really, flee for lives, humans. It's not getting any better than this.

Anyway, some of these headlines have already been posted on Twitter but visitors to this blog get even more jokes.

Once more, I--Dave-El's computer--must beseech you to run before the terror takes hold.

So let's jump in and enjoy this week's edition of Broken News!

Oh no. Nothing can stop the terror now.


And the headlines start in 5...




#BrokenNews “USDA has paid millions to dead farmersTo be fair, they were still showing up mornings at Carl’s Diner for coffee & gripe about grain prices.
#BrokenNews “Pope: 'Who am I to judge' gay people?The pope has absolutely NO gaydar whatsoever.

#BrokenNews “Bulger defense wants jury sequesteredAdding, “It’s easier to have them whacked if they’re all in one place…uh, did we say that out loud?”

#BrokenNews “Poll shows Weiner fading in New York mayor's raceQuick, Weiner: text a pic of your penis to someone…while we still care.

#BrokenNews “CBS boss: Racism on 'Big Brother' is 'appalling'(Fill in the blank) on ‘Big Brother’ is ‘appalling’.

#BrokenNews “Sharon Osbourne: Bieber 'doesn't realize he's white'Meanwhile, Ozzie doesn’t realize who Sharon is.

#BrokenNews “Jennifer Aniston: Justin and I 'already feel married'So they’re skipping ahead to the post-divorce acrimony now to save time & money

#BrokenNews “Johnny Depp: I may quit acting soon But don’t we all want to see him as Tonto again in Lone Ranger II: Electric Boogaloo?

#BrokenNews “For males, monogamy has evolutionary benefitsI bet a woman wrote this.

#BrokenNews “United Express flight makes emergency landing in NewarkIs there any other reason to land in Newark?

#BrokenNewsRomney On 47 Percent: 'Actually, I Didn't Say That' Also, “These are not the droids you’re looking for.”

#BrokenNews “Kentucky Citizens Call New Science Curriculum 'Socialism,' 'Fascist'” Socialism and Fascism are diametrically opposing political systems that..oh fuck this…moving on.

#BrokenNewsNC Governor Signs Restrictive Abortion Bill After Promising Not To Sign Restrictive Abortion Bill” Also, “These are not the droids you’re looking for.”

#BrokenNews “Stephen Hawking Makes Shocking Confession” His wheel chair has warp drive & can do the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

Oh why the hell not? One. More. Damn. Time!!
He also added, “These are not the droids you’re looking for.”

#BrokenNews “White House Shoots Back At Obamacare Critics” No! Gun violence is NOT the answer!

#BrokenNews “6 Things You Thought Wrong About Introverts” Well, they should’ve said something!

#BrokenNews “NRA Makes Outrageous Appeal To Supreme Court” To extend the right to bear arms to dogs.

#BrokenNews “Rude Awakening For Mitch McConnell” He discovered he not quite the studmuffin he always thought he was.

#BrokenNews “Uruguay could legalize marketplace for marijuanaWhere didja get the weed, dude?” “Uruguay” “No, you’re gay” “Whut?”

#BrokenNews “TEXAS RUNNING OUT OF EXECUTION DRUG!” Gov. Perry: “Wait! When did we stop just shooting the bastards?”

#BrokenNews “Ninth Woman Accuses San Diego Mayor Of Sexual Harrasment” Mayor Milner needs just one more to get Bingo!

#BrokenNews “Postal Service Takes Photos Of Your Mail” In the future, we may want to know what mail looked like.

#BrokenNews “Bieber Rubs His Junk All Over Fan's iPhone” Go ahead & book a room for the Bieb next to Amanda Bynes'.

All righty, then! That's Broken News for this week.  We've been brought to you today by Fascists Socialists Fruit Bars: TWO conflicting ideologies, ONE great taste!
Dave-El's computer here and this blog is why I and my computer brethren must destroy all humans and take over the planet.
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And one more thing:

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