Friday, August 30, 2013

Broken News for Friday, August 30th, 2013




Hi, there!


Dave-El here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You on a Friday night and it's time for that weekly tradition abomination known as ....


bROkEN nEWs!

Tonight we're being brought to you by Green Giant Frozen Marijuana. Marijuana just like your Uncle Clem use to grow in the tool shed out back but frozen to preserve freshness. Get mellow with Frozen Marijuana.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Green Giant!

Now on the headlines in 5...

4...

3...

2...

#BrokenNewsBoehner Promises 'Whale Of A Fight' Over Debt Ceiling” This reminds me of Moby Dick but without the Moby part. 

#BrokenNewsEx-JPMorgan Trader ARRESTED” And he would’ve gotten away too if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids. 

#BrokenNews6 Experts Destroy Obama's Drone Policy” Including using drones to track his daughters on dates. 

#BrokenNewsScott Disick Posts Half-Naked Photo Of Kourtney Kardashian” Kourtney disappointed Scott didn’t use any of her fully naked pictures 

#BrokenNewsZimmerman wants Florida to pay for defense expensesFlorida: “Sure, just don’t shoot, OK?”

#BrokenNewsConnecticut raccoon hunter sneezes, shoots selfIn other news: Raccoon devoid of ass after he laughed it off.
  
And now…#BrokenNews Presents
#BrokenButStillHighDude
 
 
 
 
 
 Where In The World Can You Smoke Marijuana?” Also known as the best places to open a Taco Bell. 
Toronto mayor says he has smoked 'a lot of' potAdding, “Dude, you really need it to get thru a Blue Jays game.”
Pot most popular illegal drug, first global survey finds Least popular illegal drug? Gluten Free Crack. (Crack is wack without gluten!)

Son of ex-DC Mayor Marion Barry faces drug chargesWhat the Barry family calls a “father-son bonding experience”
Ding dong! Marijuana dispensary seeks OK to deliverThe cost of the marijuana is very reasonable but the bags of Cheetos are WAY overpriced.

Legal Pot: Not Such An Easy Sell After All” It’s a vegetable? It may be good for me? No thanks!
 
28 Creative Ways To Eat Weed” I sprinkled some on my salad! Hey, I really could use another salad!
  
 
Now back to headlines.....
 


#BrokenNewsBoehner To Obama: Give Us Answers On Syria” Obama to Boehner: “No copying off my test or we’ll get in trouble.”
#BrokenNewsBill Clinton: 'Stop Complaining' About Political Gridlock” Adding, “Somebody take off this padlock Hillary put on my junk!”
#BrokenNewsHow Brothels Have Been Hit By The Recession” Workers complain they’re getting screwed.
#BrokenNewsObama on Syria: 'I have not made a decision'Cut him slack, huh? He’s still deciding if he wants fries with his Filet-O-Fish.
#BrokenNewsChemist claims life on Earth came from Mars Dammit! That spoils the twist ending for the Breaking Bad series finale!

#BrokenNews “Kathie Lee: 'I have no idea

how long I'll stay with Hoda'” Hoda silently
 
holds up “Help Me” sign
 
 
 

#BrokenNewsMan Plans Aryan Enclave In U.S. Town, Nobody Comes” He wrote signs on white poster board using White Out. (He refused to use a black Sharpie; he’s just that racist.)
 
 
Now…#BrokenNews Presents
 #TheBrokenMileyCyrusReport

The Craziest Pair in Show Biz: Miley and her demented tongue!
 
Otherwise she may have embarrassed
herself.
Debunked” It was NOT Amanda Bynes
disguised as Miley Cyrus
Performance” “Hey, she’s wearing my
underwear!” exclaimed Justin Timberlake.
Performance” Daddy’s so proud! He taught
her all her best dance moves!
Miley” She wants to kick Miley in the Hannah
and punch her right in her Montanas.
 
___________________________



Do you mind if I toss in a couple more

headlines?


Well, it IS my blog!


They involve sex!


Oh, NOW you're interested!



 
 
 
Knew About The Clitoris Is Probably Wrong
 
 
I believe the clitoris is mobile and never in the
 
same place twice.
 
 
 
#BrokenNewsWoman Wants To Have Sex
 
 
With 100,000 Men” Hey, Mr. 100,000! Do you
 
REALLY want to put Mr. Happy in a place
 
where 99,999 other Mr. Happys have already
 
been?


 
OK, before we wrap things up, it's time now
for...bROkEN nEWs in pICTuREs
 
 
 

 And that's a wrap on another edition of bROkEN nEWs, your leading source for internet news. (And if that really is the case, please don't vote or breed, thank you.)

I want to thank our sponsor this evening, Green Giant Frozen Marijuana, available in family size or single servings.
 Ho! Ho! Ho! Green Giant!

Thank you and do come again!

 

 

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