Who's there!
Thor!
Thor who?
Thor glad the weekend ith here tho we can get thome reth.
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| "Uh, I don't get it." |
Hi, Dave-El here and welcome to my blog, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You!
Today is Friday and that means it's time for another edition of... bROkEN nEWs !
bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by....
The NEW and IMPROVED HealthCare.gov.
Take a look at the health care options that are available for you now!
So give us a try: The NEW and IMPROVED HealthCare.gov. And if like what you see, send us a letter and let us know!*
*We're still having problems with the e-mail account. Sorry.
OK, party rockers in the house tonight, let's lay down bROkEN nEWs in 5...
4...
3...
2...
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#BrokenNews
“'Debt we can never fully repay': Obama honors veterans at
Arlington” The budget for paying that debt was cut by the
sequester.
#BrokenNews "Talking turkey: More men will cook the bird this Thanksgiving” Still not as high as the number of men
choking the chicken.
#BrokenNews “Vitamins don't prevent
heart disease or cancer, experts find” What does work to defeat cancer or heart
disease? Ninjas! Minaturized ninjas!
#BrokenNews “UN Reaches Nuclear Deal With Iran” UN says Iran can have nukes, just don’t be a douchebag
about it, OK?
#BrokenNews “Massive Sinkhole Opens Up In Chicago” Later, the massive sinkhole in Chicago was fatally
shot.
#BrokenNewsDoubleWhammy
“Target To Open On Thanksgiving For Holiday Shoppers”
And...
“Wal-Mart Joins The
Thanksgiving Rush On Black Friday”
The ultimate goal: start holiday shopping by Memorial Day.
#BrokenNews “Poll: Christie no sure thing
among Republicans for 2016” Not ONCE has Christie called Obama a “Muslim Marxist
Socialist America Destroying Grandmother Killing Pinnacle of Evil Satan Spawn”
so yeah, it’s hard to take Chris Christie seriously.
#BrokenNews “White Supremacist's DNA Results Reveal He Is 14 Percent
Black” And 86 percent
asshole.
#BrokenNews “One Thing Most Women Would Give Up Sex For” Just one thing?
#BrokenNews “New Roomba chews up hair, is 50 percent suckier” Wait, we can’t use
‘50% suckier’ for Roomba! We’re saving that for the next Michael Bay movie!
#BrokenNews “The One Obamacare Number That's 'Exceeding
Expectations'” The # of times Anthony Weiner has tried to
post penis pictures on healthcare.gov.
#BrokenNews “Clinton Takes A Shot At Obamacare” GOP says “We agree with Bill Clinton” seconds before GOP’s collective head explodes. **
**Not covered by Obamacare. Who knew?
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Wow! That's a lot of headlines! So let's let a break for some bROkEN nEWs IN pICtUREs! And speaking of "exploding heads"....
WARNING: Really large close up of Sen. Mitch McConnell coming along next.
Proceed at your own risk.
15 more minutes? This is coming out of your tip, Mr. Clooney!
More headlines? Yes, let's go do that!
#BrokenNews“The iPad Mini Might Be Hard To Buy This Holiday Season” Don’t try to save money by buying the Maxipad mini. Trust me, it’s not the same thing!
#BrokenNews “Lady Gaga Slams Magazine Over Airbrushing”
Apparently airbrushing removed about 35% of Lady Gaga’s weirdassosity.
#BrokenNews“Police Claim Spy Died
Naked In Gym Bag By Accident” Accidental naked spy gym bag deaths is 2nd
only to accidental pick axe skull bludgeonings.
And now bROkEN nEWs presents the latest adventures of a shy, unassuming Canadian who was exposed to gamma-irradiated Tim Hortons maple donut! Now he wanders the streets of Toronto, both man and beast! He is....
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| ROB FORD, The INDEFENSIBLE MAYOR! |
#BrokenNews “Toronto's Embattled Mayor Just Won't Quit” Rob Ford is determined to stay and serve the will of the people. Quit? He doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit"!
Seriously, he doesn't. Not much on vocabulary, this guy.
#BrokenNews “Toronto Begs Rob Ford To Quit” OK, fuck the will of the people! Rob Ford is not a quitter! When Tim Hortons ran out of regular maple donuts and only had gamma-irradiated maple donuts, Rob Ford did not quit! When he found that extra vial of crack, Rob Ford did not quit! Rob Ford has nothing...NOTHING!...to do with quittingness!
#BrokenNews “Toronto mayor Rob Ford admits to buying drugs” See, Rob’s not a bad person! He could be STEALING drugs but no, he’s BUYING drugs which is good for the economy, right? So cut him some slack, eh?
And this has been an exciting new episode of....
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| ROB FORD, The INDEFENSIBLE MAYOR! |
Join us next time when we hear the mayor say, "Why the hell can't I crumble crack into my maple donuts?!?"
Speaking of slack, I'm gonna cut me some (slack, that is) on the headlines while we take a gander at a few more bROkEN nEWs IN pICtUREs!
Prince Charles really wanted that corner throne room, the one with the view of London, the royal washroom (with the really soft toilet paper) and a secret passage to the Tower of London where the really kinky stuff goes on and...
You know what? Let's get back to the headlines, shall we?
#BrokenNews “Healthcare Website Model Speaks Out” She hopes to get into something less embarrassing, like porn.
Hey, speaking of porn…
#BrokenNews “Jenna Jameson Returning To Porn”
Well, it was either this or politics and Jenna has her pride, you know.
#BrokenNews “Both Sides
Of The Aisle Condemn Obama's Proposed Free Trade Agreement”
Obama lowers his head, sighs: “This, THIS, they decide to agree on!”
#BrokenNews “Keystone XL
Section Plagued By Dents, Sags” Contract to fix dents
& sags awarded to Spanx body shapers.
#BrokenNews “New
Discovery Has Astronomers Scratching Their Heads”
Psst! Hey, guys! They’re called “women”.
#BrokenNews “TSA 'bad guy' profiling only slightly
better than chance” The success rate would be a bit better if
terrorists would just agree to wear their customized black shirts with the word
“terrorist” written in white letters on the front.
#BrokenNews “Atheists Teach Christian Volunteers To Be Good People” Atheists are frustrated: “Gay people this! Abortion
that! I swear to God, these Christians are getting on my last nerve!”
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OK, that's a wrap for bROkEN nEWs for this week, brought to you by the NEW and IMPROVED HealthCare.gov.
Log in today for your journey towards a healthy tomorrow.
Tune in tomorrow for a NEW installment of Doctor Who Saturday.
In the meantime, let's go out with a piece of advice and wisdom....
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