Friday, November 8, 2013

BROKEN NEWS For Friday, November 8th, 2013

Hi there, wanderer of the World Wide Web!
Your online journey has brought you here to my blog, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. I am Dave-El and you will never leave here alive are most welcome and I hope you enjoy your stay. 

Today is Friday and that means there's a brand new installment of bROkEN nEWs, the 2nd most amusing blog post featuring humorous commentary on the week's news from a guy named David with the words "Broken" and "News" in the title.*

*The MOST amusing blog post featuring humorous commentary on the week's news from a guy named David with the words "Broken" and "News" in the title is "The News Is Broken" by David Untengaart of Sweden. He basically posts the same headline and jokes but in Swedish which for some damn reason makes it funnier. Well, fan ta dig, David Untergaart!

Today, bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by…

You sound like a racist.
You act like a racist.
Now you can smell like a racist.

The fragrance for the racist man!

Now available at Home Depot.

Ready for some hot buttered headlines?

Get 'em while they're hot!
Get 'em while they're buttered!

bROkEN nEWs starts in 5...





#BrokenNews “Historic Gay Rights Bill Clears Major Hurdle” It was decided that color coordinated ensembles are important to both straights AND gays.

#BrokenNews “Bangladesh Court Sentences 152 To Death For Mutiny” 152 death sentences at one time?! Texas says, “Challenge accepted!”**

**One moment please, bROkEN nEWs must issue a correction: Texas says, “YEE-HAA! Challenge accepted!”

bROkEN nEWs apologizes for the error and any inconvenience you may have experienced.

#BrokenNews “Rand Paul May Have Also Plagiarized In Op-Ed Piece” When reached for comment, Rand Paul replied, “’Tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune than…what? Really? Shakespeare? Shit!”

#BrokenNews “Homeless Man Runs For Mayor” His campaign platform: better wheels on shopping carts & higher quality cardboard boxes

#BrokenNews “Milky Way Teeming With Billions Of Earth-Size Planets” But, unlike Earth, they may actually have intelligent life. (Ouch!)  

#BrokenNews “Not Everybody Hates Ted Cruz” Said one informed voter, “I like that Ted Cruz stands up to Obama so he won’t ship our women off to Mars to be sex slaves of the Martians! Cruz in 2016!”
Before we continue with the headlines, I am proud to present the very first...
bROkEN nEWs eXpOSe!
Today we go behind the scenes and discover the heretofore unrevealed truth behind the Obama Administration's role in developing  the Affordable Care Act. 

Sadly, I beginning to think that's how it really went down.


Now....back to the headlines! 

#BrokenNews “35 Candidates Vie To Be Next Minneapolis Mayor” Half of whom are spunky young brunettes with a penchant for throwing their hats into the air.
And now a special guest joke from Twitter! Take it away, Joel!

·       Joel Ingersoll@FlyoverJoel  

“Minneapolis polls to stay open an

additional hour to accommodate the long

lines of mayoral candidates voting for


Thank you, Joel! You're welcome back anytime!***

***Oh hell no! His joke was funnier than mine!

#BrokenNews “Cops Search Man's Anus Multiple Times For Non-Existent Drugs” There are two victims here: the guy who’s anus kept getting searched and the schmuck rookie cop who kept having to go up in there.

#BrokenNews “5 Ways To Fall In Love All Over Again” Again? I barely survived the first time! (Or was that the flu?)

#BrokenNews “11 Reasons You Should Be Having More Orgasms” I REALLY CAN’T HANDLE THIS KIND OF PRESSURE! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

I think I need a moment.

Let's do some bROkEN nEWs IN pICtUREs, shall we?


More headlines? Oh why the hell not!

#BrokenNews “Kathy Griffin: A Package From Jerry Seinfeld Gave Me 'Instant Diarrhea'” “Funny, I have the same reaction whenever I see Kathy Griffin,” says Anderson Cooper.

warming makes mammals smaller, reptiles

biggerMaybe the super-snakes will eat the mega-zombies?

#BrokenNews “Relax! No real proof bacon will

hurt spermOn the other hand, sperm should
NEVER be added to bacon! Never!

And now…bROkEN nEWs  breaks the barriers of reality with ONE headline but TWO different outcomes!


#BrokenNews “Bieber hit in the head with bottle during concertJustin Bieber shook his head and exclaimed, “Wait! I can think clearly now! Wow! I’ve been doing some stupid shit lately! Thank you, mystery bottle thrower!”

 #BrokenNews “Bieber hit in the head with bottle during concertJustin Bieber drinks what’s left in the bottle then wanders off stage to buy a monkey and hook up with some whores. 

#BrokenNews “Republicans Plan To Impeach Eric Holder By The End Of The Year” Well, they have some time to kill before the next government shutdown.

#BrokenNews “Blockbuster Closing All Of Its Remaining Retail Stores” Said one of the last remaining Blockbuster employees: “Huh? What? Sorry, must’ve dozed off.” 

And now a rebuttal from Blockbuster Video.

And the headlines roll on!

#BrokenNews “Pentagon Admits: Sharp Uptick In Military Sexual Assault”  This information provided by the Pentagon's Dept. of Obvious Shit.****

****Commanded by Gen. No-Shit Sherlock.

#BrokenNews “Rubio Will Give Keynote Speech At Anti-Gay Group's Event” Oh, don’t be so negative! Marco Rubio is not “Anti-Gay”, he’s “Pro Not Gay”.

#BrokenNews “Jimmy Carter's Grandson To Run For Georgia Governor” He wants to be governor because he’s tired of working for peanuts.

Uh oh! Nobody got that? It's time for...

Dept. of Punch-line Explanations
1970’s Division

Back in the 1970's, Jimmy Carter was unaccountably elected President because the country was just that fed up with Tricky Dick Nixon and the whole Watergate thing. We're not really sure what it was Nixon was supposed to have done but it was bad enough to pre-empt lots of TV programming so we can watch a bunch of old white men drone on about some damn thing for another.

Anyway, I guess the United States was so desperate for someone who was NOT NIXON that we elected Jimmy Carter, former Governor of Georgia (the state in the USA, not the province of Russia which has nothing going for it except perma-frost and beets) and, before that, peanut farmer. Boy, there were a lot of peanut based jokes at Carter's expense. But the peanut farming was actually the LEAST of the embarrassing things about Jimmy Carter. There was his perpetually drunk brother Billy and there was the time Jimmy Carter was attacked by a rabbit.

Really. A rabbit.

Anyway, we apologize that once again we have tapped in the long and forgotten lore of the ancient 1970's for a joke.
Boy, that was a lot more words than I intended to type. I need a break. Hey! Here's MORE bROkEN nEWs IN pICtUREs!

Really, you gotta respect a woman who mans up to say, "I'm drawing the line! NO. MORE. CHEH!"

Man, I'm getting punchy! Is this like the longest bROkEN nEWs ever? 

#BrokenNews “Man Claims It's His Constitutional Right To Take 'Upskirt' Photos” Maybe I’m a bit rusty on my US Constitution knowledge but which amendment guarantees the right to be a fucking asshole?

 #BrokenNews “Insiders Reveal Barneys' Culture Of Racism” Barneys? Racist? I thought they were dicks to everybody!


Since we started today's bROkEN nEWs with racism, let's end with racism by reminding you that today's  bROkEN nEWs was brought to you by....

Racism stinks but you don't have to.

The fragrance for the racist man!


That's that for this Friday! Come back tomorrow for Doctor Who Saturday. And I have something cool that happened to me today that I want to post about on Sunday.

Until then....take us out, President Obama!

"My fellow Americans. As you know, it seems I've had to apologize for a lot of stuff regarding Obamacare...which that name was NOT my idea, OK? I wanted to call it "Spidercare", after my boyhood hero, Spider-Man. But I was overruled. Anyway, I've had to apologize for the website not working and people getting kicked off their health insurance after I said that wouldn't happen. Anyway, since I seem to be in an apologizing frame of mind, let me say that on behalf of all Americans that I am sorry for Broken News. I mean, THIS is actually NOT my fault but as I said, I'm on a roll with the apologies. But really, Dave-El Inc and I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment should be ashamed of themselves! Ashamed! Anyway, I got to get back to work. Joe Biden and I are re-writing some programming code for Good night and may God bless the United States of America."  





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