Friday, November 1, 2013

Broken News for Friday, November 1, 2013

 
 
Hi there! Dave-El here and this is my blog: I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, now only the SECOND most dumbass thing on the internet! (Thank you, healthcare.gov!)






Today is Friday and that means it's time for another brand new, fresh out of the box, vacuum-sealed, cinnamon spice scented edition of bROkEN nEWs, your weekly round up of news headlines with humorous comments or, lacking that, some shit I make up to fill space. 


Now, in a sense of fair play, I could point you towards other websites that may offer a higher quality of humorous writing because ultimately, I want YOU to be entertained. If its me or someone else, it doesn't matter. As long as YOU are satisfied, I really...don't...

...care.


GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE! 


bROkEN nEWs starts in 5...

4...

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#BrokenNews “U.S. 'Weighing' Ending Spying On Allied Heads Of State”  On one hand, it’s something so wrong; on the other hand, it feels so right.

NSA: “If we could just find someone screwing someone else they’re not supposed to be screwing, people will love us then! Oh shit! Angela Merkel’s on the toilet again!”

#BrokenNews “Bombshell Torture Report Waits In Wings” Reports quotes Joe Biden as saying, “Hey! Dick Cheney was right! Waterboarding is FUN!”


#BrokenNews “Judge Under Fire For Sentencing Killer, Then Performing His Wedding” The judge threw the book at him, then rice.


#BrokenNews “Obama Reportedly Will Give Big Boost To Gubernatorial Candidate” By endorsing his opponent.


#BrokeNews “50 Cent Ordered To Take Domestic Violence Classes” I’m pretty sure 50 Cent knows how to commit domestic violence without a class.


#BrokenNews “Britney Spears' music used to repel Somali piratesAnd if that doesn’t work, Britney Spears herself is strapped to a harpoon* and shot at the pirates!

*Let me go ahead and save you the trouble: if you Google "Britney Spears strapped to a harpoon", the results are most disappointing.


#BrokenNews “Russia Accused Of Spying On G20 Leaders With Teddy Bears” It was a lot more fun in the old days when Russia would plant microphones in hookers. Well, maybe not for the hookers. You don’t want to know where those microphones were hidden.

NSA: “Damn it! Why is our plan to use hookers in bear suits not working?”

#BrokenNews “Chris Brown Going To Rehab” To recover from his addiction to Chris Brown.

OK, so Halloween was yesterday but dammit, I loved this one so I'm labeling it....

#DayLateBrokenNews “Woman Plans To Give Trick-Or-Treaters 'Fat Letters' This Halloween” In other news, Trick-Or-Treaters select house they’re going to throw dog shit at.



Now it's time for....


bROkEN nEWs IN pICtUREs!

Brought to you by....Weiner Weiners, the tasty hot dog endorsed by Anthony Weiner! They're so yummy, you can finish one in 30 seconds but slow down, enjoy yourself. Weiner Weiners,: you can find them at your local grocery store or in your cell phone photos.


















 





This has been....

bROkEN nEWs IN pICtUREs!


Brought to you by....Weiner Weiners, proud sponsor of Anthony Weiner's "Running For Mayor 2014" US Tour.  Look for Anthony Weiner to run for mayor of the following American towns and villages**:
Fanny, West Virginia
Big Beaver, Pennsylvania
Butts, Georgia
New Erection, Virginia
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Climax, Georgia
 
** Due to a scheduling problem, Anthony Weiner will not be coming to Fidelity, Missouri.

And we go...BACK!...to the headlines!


#BrokenNews “NSA Spied On Vatican” You would be amazed at how much spy gear you can hide in a Pope Hat!

        NSA: “What the hell? They’re speaking in Latin? Who the fuck here knows Latin?”


#BrokenNews “U.S. Treasury Lashes Out At Germany” Germany replies, Sie können sich auf meine weinerschitzel saugen!“

NSA:“What the hell are the Germans saying? What is that, Croatian? Portugese? C’mon!“

#BrokenNews “Pretty Soon You'll Have To Be 21 To Buy Cigarettes In New York” But still only 16 to buy heroin.


#BrokenNews “ Shockingly Few Republicans Think We Should Have More Women In Congress” Unless the women are there to make sandwiches. Oh, and babies! Don’t forget babies! But first, get me a sandwich.


#BrokenNews Bomb Threat at Kmart in WA State - Store and Parking Lot Evacuated” It was a K-Mart; it didn’t take long.







And that's a wrap on this week's edition of...


bROkEN nEWs!

 
Brought to you by your friendly neighborhood NSA.

The NSA!
We're Watching You!
(So Get the Fuck Over It Already!)


All righty then! German Chancellor Angela Merkel, take us OUT!


 



"Broken News is brought to you by Dave-El Inc. and I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment who were kind enough to ship me this hot dog from Weiner Weiners! It's bigger than I thought it would be. And NSA, I'm warning you: we Germans haven't had a really good war in a LONG time and we've got a lot of blitzreig built up, if you catch my drift. Don't make me unleash all that on your asses! Auf Wiedersehen!"


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