Hi there! Dave-El here and this is my blog: I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, now only the SECOND most dumbass thing on the internet! (Thank you, healthcare.gov!)
Today is Friday and that means it's time for another brand new, fresh out of the box, vacuum-sealed, cinnamon spice scented edition of bROkEN nEWs, your weekly round up of news headlines with humorous comments or, lacking that, some shit I make up to fill space.
Now, in a sense of fair play, I could point you towards other websites that may offer a higher quality of humorous writing because ultimately, I want YOU to be entertained. If its me or someone else, it doesn't matter. As long as YOU are satisfied, I really...don't...
GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!
bROkEN nEWs starts in 5...
#BrokenNews “U.S. 'Weighing' Ending Spying On Allied Heads Of State” On one hand, it’s something so wrong; on the other hand, it feels so right.
#BrokenNews “Bombshell Torture Report Waits In Wings” Reports quotes Joe Biden as saying, “Hey! Dick Cheney was right! Waterboarding is FUN!”
#BrokenNews “Judge Under Fire For Sentencing Killer, Then Performing His Wedding” The judge threw the book at him, then rice.
#BrokenNews “Obama Reportedly Will Give Big Boost To Gubernatorial Candidate” By endorsing his opponent.
#BrokeNews “50 Cent Ordered To Take Domestic Violence Classes” I’m pretty sure 50 Cent knows how to commit domestic violence without a class.
#BrokenNews “Britney Spears' music used to repel Somali pirates” And if that doesn’t work, Britney Spears herself is strapped to a harpoon* and shot at the pirates!
*Let me go ahead and save you the trouble: if you Google "Britney Spears strapped to a harpoon", the results are most disappointing.
#BrokenNews “Russia Accused Of Spying On G20 Leaders With Teddy Bears” It was a lot more fun in the old days when Russia would plant microphones in hookers. Well, maybe not for the hookers. You don’t want to know where those microphones were hidden.
#BrokenNews “Chris Brown Going To Rehab” To recover from his addiction to Chris Brown.
OK, so Halloween was yesterday but dammit, I loved this one so I'm labeling it....
#DayLateBrokenNews “Woman Plans To Give Trick-Or-Treaters 'Fat Letters' This Halloween” In other news, Trick-Or-Treaters select house they’re going to throw dog shit at.
Now it's time for....
Brought to you by....Weiner Weiners, the tasty hot dog endorsed by Anthony Weiner! They're so yummy, you can finish one in 30 seconds but slow down, enjoy yourself. Weiner Weiners,: you can find them at your local grocery store or in your cell phone photos.
This has been....
Brought to you by....Weiner Weiners, proud sponsor of Anthony Weiner's "Running For Mayor 2014" US Tour. Look for Anthony Weiner to run for mayor of the following American towns and villages**:
And we go...BACK!...to the headlines!
#BrokenNews “NSA Spied On Vatican” You would be amazed at how much spy gear you can hide in a Pope Hat!
#BrokenNews “Sie können sich auf meine weinerschitzel saugen!“
#BrokenNews “Pretty Soon You'll Have To Be 21 To Buy Cigarettes In New York” But still only 16 to buy heroin.
#BrokenNews “ Shockingly Few Republicans Think We Should Have More Women In Congress” Unless the women are there to make sandwiches. Oh, and babies! Don’t forget babies! But first, get me a sandwich.
#BrokenNews “Bomb Threat at Kmart in WA State - Store and Parking Lot Evacuated” It was a K-Mart; it didn’t take long.
And that's a wrap on this week's edition of...
Brought to you by your friendly neighborhood NSA.
All righty then! German Chancellor Angela Merkel, take us OUT!