Broken News for Friday, November 22nd, 2013

Howdy! Howdy! Howdy!

Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that puts the "buster" in your "fili"!


I'm Dave-El and this is Friday and we are down to just ONE DAY away from the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Special. The excitement is building here at the ol' El Fortress of Ineptitude! My belly button's been puckering and unpuckering all day!*

*I stole that line from Hawkeye in a episode of M*A*S*H.

Anyway, thanks to David Tennant and Matt Smith for ushering in today's edition of...

bROkEN nEWs! 

We've got a lot of ground to cover so let's be gettin' jiggy wit it in 5...

4...

3...

2...

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#BrokenNews “Senate Passes New Filibuster Rules... McConnell: 'You Will Regret This'... “ Adding, “You will rue the day!” as McConnell gathered his black cloak about him and disappeared in a puff of smoke, his sinister laugh still echoing through the Senate chamber.

 #BrokenNews “Boehner: Immigration Reform 'Absolutely Not' Dead” It’s just shagged out after a long squawk! Dead? No, it’s just pining for fjords! 

#BrokenNews “Bernie Sanders Considering Running For President” I’m considering running down to a RedBox to rent a movie. Not quite the same thing, huh?

#BrokenNews “We Didn't 'Shorten Early Voting'...We 'Compacted The Calendar'” NC Gov. Pat McCrory tried something similar the first time he had sex with a woman: “My penis is not short; your vagina is compact.” 

#BrokenNews “Bob Woodward Just Can't Help Himself” Sugar pie, honey bunch, you know that Bob loves you.

#BrokenNews “Health Care Woes Take Toll On Obama's Credibility” So when the Tea Party says Obama’s going to turn the country over to Islamic radicals and take all your guns, it’s kind of hard to believe now that Obama is going to go through with all that.  

bROkEN nEWs

presents

The News That Counts

 

“6 Things The Media Doesn't Understand About Obamacare”

1.      Obama will not administer your Preparation H personally… for any donation to the Democratic National Committee of less than $250,000.00

2.      There is no special provision for Bill Clinton to go around asking young women to stick out there tongue and say “ah”. Bill Clinton’s just doing that in his free time.

3.      However, there really is a provision for Joe Biden to go around asking young men to turn their head and cough. Man, we just love fucking with Joe!

4.      There are nutritional guidelines for healthy living in the Obamacare package. You can ignore those. We needed to throw that shit in there to make Michelle shut the hell up.

5.      Vaginal ultrasounds are not required under Obamacare but they’re still available if you’re into that sort of thing. Who are we to judge?

6.      In order to save money, rectal thermometers have been reclassified for multi-use.

 And the headlines roll on!

#BrokenNews "Scott Walker: GOP Fails To Reach Out To Poor" GOP sets up committee to find who are these "poor" people Scott's talking about.

 #BrokenNews "FBI Does The Domestic Spying That The NSA Can't" NSA merely bugs your phones; the FBI has agents disguised as phones!

 

The FBI agent disguised as Anthony Weiner's cell phone REALLY hates his job!

 

What, did you think I would let a Friday's bROkEN nEWs  go by without a Weiner joke?
 

 Speaking of Weiner jokes, let's have another installment of.....

bROkEN nEWs

presents

The News That Counts

 

 

“9 Things You Never Knew About Sperm”

1.      Sperm are actually quite shy.

2.      While sperm are very good swimmers, they are most proud of their basketball abilities.

     3.      Sperm can glow in the dark but they just
       don’t like to.

4.      Sperm really does make a good hair gel.

5.      If you listen really carefully, you can hear sperm yell “yee-haa” in teeny tiny voices during ejaculation.

6.      If you name a sperm “Sherman” and call it “Sherm Sperm”, it will be really cross with you.

7.      Most sperm are very stupid. Ladies, at least one will try to impregnate your spleen.

8.      There is no evidence that a single sperm controls the brain functions of Rush Limbaugh but come on!

9.      Sperm just wants to cuddle. 

 

  

Now it's time to tune in again to the latest

adventures of a shy, unassuming Canadian who

was exposed to a gamma-irradiated Tim Hortons

maple donut! Now he wanders the streets of

Toronto, both man and beast! He is....




ROB FORD
The INDEFENSIBLE MAYOR!

#BrokenNews “Rob Ford Goes Nuts At City Council Meeting” Actually, that’s “Rob Ford goes FOR the nuts”. He’s particularly fond of the cashews.

#BrokenNews “Embattled Toronto Mayor Stripped Of Most Powers” Rob Ford now only has to power to talk to fish.

#BrokenNews “Rep. Trey Radel (R-Fl) Arrested For Possession Of Cocaine” Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: “What a wuss! Possession? Ha! I USE the damn stuff!”

#BrokenNews “Rep. Taking Leave Of Absence After Cocaine Charges” Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: “Don’t run now, Trey Radel! So you have some coke on your resume? That won’t hurt anything! Look at how well I’m doing!”
 

 #BrokenNews “Rob Ford Wants To Run For Prime Minister Now” To score a higher grade of crack than he can get as Toronto’s mayor. 

And this has been another episode in the epic saga of...



ROB FORD
The INDEFENSIBLE MAYOR!

 Join us next time when Rob Ford proclaims, "I do my best damn mayoring when I'm in a drunken stupor!"


Back to the headlines! 

#BrokenNews “Latest Leaks Reveal Australia Tried To Spy On Indonesia” The kangaroo in the hat and overcoat was acting suspicious. 

Yeah, and that wallaby over on the park bench looks kind of shifty, too!

#BrokenNews “Jimmie Johnson wins sixth career NASCAR Sprint Cup title” In a cost saving measure, NASCAR is only airing re-runs of previous seasons.

#BrokenNews “George Zimmerman Charged With Assault” So all of you in the Zimmerman Betting Pool who had his next criminal charge as “assault”, congratulations. For everyone else in the pool who figured it would be “a murder charge”, better luck next time.

#BrokenNews “O'Reilly: Fox News Might Be WRONG About Something!” Sean Hannity’s covering his ears, going “Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! I can’t hear you!” The hosts from Fox & Friends scream “BLASPHEMY!”

#BrokenNews “Kanye Sounds Off On Barack Obama” Like we’re going to take Kanye West more seriously now that he’s a Kardashian.

#BrokenNews “Study Reveals Benefit To Having An Attractive Wife” One benefit is if your wife is attractive, then the woman you’re cheating on her with has gotta be smokin’ hot! Am I right? Yeah, baby! 

(pause)

Wait, that would be…wrong, I think?

Maybe this would be a good place to put in some...

 bROkEN nEWs IN pICtUREs!    

Headlines? Headlines!

#BrokenNews “Fracking Industry Campaign Contributions At Record Levels” Meanwhile, politicians are frustrated by the lack of contributions from the Fucking Industry.


#BrokenNews “Vancouver Bans Doorknobs” Because, well, you know, Canadians.

#BrokenNews “Another State Moving Towards 'Stand Your Ground' Bill” Since it’s worked so well for Florida…
 

By the way, in case you’re wondering, that state is Ohio which chose to work on making it easier to shoot people rather than find money in the state budget to finish their capitol building. (Seriously, someone reached a point in the building of this structure and said, "Eh, close enough.")

But Ohio’s really not such a bad place. Just stay out of the crime scenes…such as Cleveland.

#BrokenNews “Terrible News For McRib Fans” Look, if this is another damn story about how whatever unidentifiable shit is in the McRib is not good for us, WE DON’T WANT TO KNOW, OK?!

#BrokenNews “Debbie Gibson Rocks A Leotard At 42” Normally we here at bROkEN nEWs would insert a pseudo humor-like comment here. Instead, we want to show you…

THIS!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 Yep, as far as leotards go, that one is officially rocked.

Yep.

Oh, crap! Back to the headlines….

#BrokenNews “No One Wants To Go To Justin Bieber Concerts Anymore” Dazed and confused Beliebers stumble out of the rubble to be greeted by their mothers in their Ricky Martin t-shirts.

*WARNING!*WARNING!*WARNING!*

The following rant is going to go on WAY too long. You might want to just scroll down to the next picture of Debbie Gibson in a leotard. (Hell, that's what I'm gonna do!)

As someone who actually has attended a Justin Bieber concert, let me say this:

Oh, NOW the bloom is off that little dickhead’s rose! Yeah, he couldn’t have imploded, say, last summer BEFORE I shelled out $200.00 for tickets in the nose bleed section so my daughter could join 15,000 other screaming maniacs to watch this self-indulgent off-key warbler “perform” last January!



Well, as long as my little girl, the future “Mrs. Bieber”, was happy. I guess that's all that matters. And she was happy, joyously so!

For awhile.

 

Two months later and she’s filing divorce papers from her future hubby. She has her limits when it comes to putting up with someone's weird, self destructive behavior, even from her precious Justin.

Oh, she was committed to this Bieber train big time for so long. So, Justin, for a sign on how fucked up you’re making your life, consider her and others like her. They loved you in their own warped pre-pubescent way and now you’re a punchline that makes them giggle.

It’s not because they outgrew you; it’s you who have drifted from them. At this rate, you’re turning potential lifelong fans to future grown up women who are going to look back on this with bemused embarrassment.

And I’m still out nearly $200.00! 

OK, I need to calm down and feel better about life.

Thank you, Debbie Gibson!

All right, let's do a couple more headlines to wrap this thing up!

#BrokenNews “Legendary psychic Sylvia Browne dies at 77” Her last words: “Well, this is most unexpect- “

#BrokenNews “Adam Levine named People's Sexiest Man Alive” Damn it! I didn’t get it again?
 

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Whew! I am spent! What? You want more? Baby, please! Tomorrow's Doctor Who Saturday! I gotta have my rest.

Until then.....

Be good to one another!

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Saturday...
THE DAY OF THE DOCTOR...
is HERE!