Hello! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog with a heart.
I have NO idea how that heart got there.
This is Dave-El and today is Friday and it's time for another rootin'-tootin'* edition of bROkEN nEWs!
*Actual degree of "rootin'" or "tootin'" is not guaranteed.
Compared to last week's installment, this week's bROkEN nEWs! is a lean, mean snarking machine! Old Dave-El's brain has been overtaxed with stuff WAY LESS fun this week. But next week, look for a larger installment of the humor feature that absolutely NO ONE is demanding!
Meanwhile, let's get cracking in 5...
#BrokenNews "Obama Administration Seeking Radical New Political Powers For Corporations" Bribes to Congress are now tax deductible.
#BrokenNews "Report Alleges Obama Misled The Public On Syria" Obama: "Sorry, got it confused with that George Clooney movie."
#BrokenNews "Thai Prime Minister Dissolves Parliament" Please disregard all the smoke and screams coming from the Thai Parliament. Thank you.
And now it's time for....
bROkEN nEWs tHAt cOUnTS!
|"Hi, kids! |
Do you know what to do when you feel stupid?
Today we count 5---1, 2, 3, 4, 5!---things to do
when you feel stupid!
1) Think, "What would Ted Cruz do?"
2) Go on Fox News, get it out of your system.
3) Revel in your intellectual superiority over the contestants on "Family Feud".
4) Cause a government shutdown.
5) Embrace that feeling and run for public office.
Now back to the headlines!
#BrokenNews "Rand Paul: Extending Unemployment Benefits Would Be A 'Disservice' To Workers" Yeah, Rand! Those uppity unemployed with their "benefits" and their lavish lifestyles. Why I saw an unemployed person using their food stamps to buy Dinty Moore Beef Stew instead of the much more ecomonical Meow Mix.
#BrokenNews "North Korea Confirms Purge Of Kim Jong Un's Uncle" He refused to divulge the source of the quarters he pulled from behind Kim Jong Un's ear.
Note: In a follow up to that headline, it turns out "purge" means "killed". We here at bROkEN nEWs can't help but think the uncle's last thoughts of Kim Jong Un: "Anything to get away from that little prick."
Now that thing we do with pictures 'n' stuff!
Headlines? Come back, headlines!
#BrokenNews "Gators, Crocs May Be WAY Smarter Than We Thought" Gators & crocs have been going to law school for years. Just that nobody noticed cold blooded killer reptiles in a law school.
#BrokenNews "Government Shutdown STILL Wreaks Havoc" It's the gift that keeps on taking.
#BrokenNews "Reporters Get Rare Clinton Access" Bill Clinton: "Guys, let me tell YOU about 'Rare Clinton Access' if you know what I'm saying."
#BrokenNews "NSA Staffers Feeling Neglected By Obama, Would Very Much Like Him To Stop By" The NSA knows from his phone calls that Obama's not THAT busy.
And that's wrap for this week's bROkEN nEWs!
Next Friday, join us here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You for the big honkin'
bROkEN nEWs yEAr EnD eXtRAVaGAnZa!
Until then, be good to one another!
Tomorrow on the blog---