Friday, December 20, 2013

Broken News for Friday, December 20, 2013



 

Hey there! Hi there! Ho there!



I'm Dave-El and this is I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog recommended by 4 out of 5 psychiatrists as an excellent example of what happens when you don't take your meds!

This is Friday which means it's time for that weekly post that puts the digital butter on your internet toast, bROkEN nEWs!


This week, bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by...

The Shia LaBeouf
School of Original Writing.

Learn the art of writing an original, unadapted from any other source material screenplay from one of Hollywood's most beloved performers, Shia LaBeouf! In addition to his stellar work as the star of the Transformers movies, Shia has also written original screenplays such as...

The Raspberries of Wrath

Gone With the Breeze

The Lord of the Little Round Gold Things That Are Not Rings

Transporting Via Automobile Miss Daisy

A Series of Unfortunate Coincidences

And many, many more. Develop the art and the craft of creating completely original work with (and we can't stress this enough) NO connection to any other work from one of the most respected master creative people in Hollywood at ...


The Shia LaBeouf

School of Original Writing.


All righty then! bROkEN nEWs is in the hizzouse in 5...

4...

3...

2...

___________________________




#BrokenNews "Another Awful Moment For '60 Minutes'" Someone just found Mike Wallace still in his office.


#BrokenNews "White House To Tap New Ambassador To China" Er, isn't tapping people the NSA's job?

#BrokenNews  "Task Force Urging Limits On NSA Surveillance" Like occasionally sticking fingers in their ears going "We’re not listening! We’re not listening!"

#BrokenNews "Obama Jabs Putin, Picks Openly Gay Delegates For Winter Olympics In Russia" And as you know, Putin is against guy-on-guy jabbing.


#BrokenNews "GOP Rep Proposes Poor Students Sweep Floors In Exchange For Lunch" In fact, they can use what they sweep up as food so that's a double-win!

And now...

bROkEN nEWs tHat cOUnTs!







Hello, kids! Have you ever started to say some stupid...
and you went right on saying it anyway!
Now we're going to count FIVE...1, 2, 3, 4, 5 times you should really think about keeping your thoughts to yourself!
BLAH!

5 Times You Should Just Keep Your Mouth Shut

1) "I don’t mean to sound racist…"
2) "Well, now that you mention it…"
3) "No! No, I’m NOT okay and you want to know why?"
4) "If you REALLY want my opinion…"
5) "Hi! I’m Ted Cruz!"

Thanks, Count! Now back to the headlines!


#BrokenNews "What Microsoft Doesn't Want You To Know About Its Tablets" It’s really an Etch-a-Sketch.

#BrokenNews "'Affluenza' Teen Hit With 5 Lawsuits" Imagine Richie Rich as a sociopath!  



OK, let me get this straight: rich teenage prick gets drunk, causes a wreck that kills FOUR people.




And he gets probation? Because this asshole was too rich to care? This was his defense, folks! And it WORKED? Hey, I want to try that. (ahem) "Yes, I was too stressed out by the pressures of being part of a shrinking middle class to be aware of the consequences of my actions when I drove my car into the front of a Sears store." (Don't worry, it was Sears; no one was there to get hurt.)



You know what I need now?

Besides medication?

Let's do the picture thing!



C'mon! We gotta keep the headlines coming!  

#BrokenNews "Does The NHL Need To Outlaw Fighting?" Those damn hockey games keeping interrupting the fights!

#BrokenNews  "What's Lurking Under Yellowstone Might Surprise You" GODZILLA!

Wait, if it IS Godzilla then no, I'm not surprised.

#BrokenNews "Americans Don't Care What Race Santa Is — Except For Republicans" Wait until the GOP find out Santa's gay!*

*OK, I'm just kidding! Santa's not into dudes! Really! Geez, how can anyone even suggest that at all?

When the truth is that Santa's really a woman and "Mrs. Claus" is her lesbian life partner.

What's this? Why, it's more...

bROkEN nEWs tHat cOUnTs!




Hey kids!
Do you think Mommy and Daddy look old?
Of course they look old! You've worn them out, you little buggers! But there are 8 things...Wow, eight! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 fashion no-no's that make Mommy and Daddy look even older than they are.
Blah!

8 Fashion Mistakes That Instantly Age You
1) Coveralls
2) Feed store cap
3) John Deere cap
4) Bonnet
5) Black socks with shorts
6) White socks with black pants
7) Any ensemble with a high denim-to-plaid correlation
8) Nightshirt (preferably with soup stains)

Thank you, Count, for those helpful tips. Now, more headlines!

#BrokenNews "'Duck Dynasty' Star Makes Shockingly Vile Anti-Gay Comments" I only find it shocking that someone thinks this is shocking.

#BrokenNews "'Duck Dynasty' Family Speaks Out" Don't get on their case about the anti-gay stuff. They've said shit about black people too. Again, trying to be shocked, failing miserably.


#BrokenNews "'Duck Dynasty' Star Suspended Over Vulgar Anti-Gay Comments" This is a so-called 'reality show'! This homophobic jackass as been suspended from his own life?!?! Well, it appears he's already suspended himself from reality.



Speaking of being suspended from reality...


#BrokenNews  "Justin Bieber Says He's 'Retiring'" He should retire before he becomes a total douche bag and…whoops!


Never mind.

What the hell? Another...

bROkEN nEWs tHat cOUnTs!


Hey kids!
A relationship is when two people have a clear understanding of each other's needs. Or so I've been told.
Mrs. Count doesn't seem to think my needs are important. Blah! Anyway, here are seven...ooh, I love seven!
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 ways to kill a relationship.
BLAH!

7 Things That Will Kill Any New Relationship
1) A gun
2) Also a knife works too
3) Really, almost any blunt instrument. A shovel, maybe.
4) Bow & arrow, you know, if the relationship is standing a long way away.
5) Electrocution. Careful, don't stand too close.
6) Poison. If you have the time for that.
7) Not being attentive to your partner's needs


OK, Count, that's three times you've butted in to today's-


Yes, THREE! One, two, THREE! BLAH!


That's it! Go home, Count! I don't want any trouble from the Sesame Street people anyway!

Sigh.

Oh boy! PICTURES!



Hey, the headlines are back! Whazzup, headlines?

#BrokenNews "Brutal Anti-Gay Law Passed In Uganda" Africans restricting gay people? Now the Duck Dynasty dude does not know how to process that.

#BrokenNews  "Lindsay Lohan Wants To Resurrect Her Music Career" You know, if the porn thing doesn’t work out.

#BrokenNews "Shia LaBeouf Apologizes After Short Film Plagiarism Accusations" After looking through Bartlett’s Quotations for apology material.

#BrokenNews  "Happy 70th Birthday, Keith Richards!" You’re finally as old as you’ve looked for the last 30 years now.


________________________________

And that, my friends, is a wrap for this week's edition of...




bROkEN nEWs



Brought to you by...


The Shia LaBeouf

School of Original Writing.

If you want to be a writer of completely original screenplays that are totally devoid of any and all influence by any other movies, TV shows, comic books, stage plays, novels, short stories or poems, then learn the Shia LaBeouf Method, the same method that has led Shia to completely draft on his own with no help from anyone at all such classic totally all his idea screenplays like...

Zero Dark 29 Plus One

No Nation For Elderly Guys

Saving Private Brian

Four Events Where People Get Married and a Funeral

The Silence of the Sheep

And many, many more!

So explore the joys of original creativity at...


The Shia LaBeouf
School of Original Writing.

_________________________________

Tomorrow: Doctor Who Saturday as we look the origin of Doctor Who via the recent film, An Adventure in Space & Time and a look back my own wild ride creating The Nemesis Who Stole Time.

Until then, be good to one another.

Take us out, Beyoncé!


"Broken News is a production of Dave-El Inc. and I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment and should not be duplicated without the expression written permission of...
You know what? Dave-El posted me to this blog thing without asking so go crazy and copy what you want!
So says Beyoncé!
And damn straight I'm the Queen Ruler of the Earth!"



BLAH!




Trump: So Much Shit, So Little Time

WARNING: there's a total eclipse today.  DON'T LOOK AT IT!!!!!!! Hi, there Still in post surgery mode so not so much with the ...