Friday, December 6, 2013

Broken News for Friday, December 6, 2013

Superman art by Loston Wallace

HELLO, FRIDAY! Mmm-wah! Good to see ya!

This is Dave-El and this is my blog, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, now with a richer, bolder mesquite flavor.

If this is Friday, then that means its time for another edition of bROkEN nEWs!

And we are ALL NEW this week baby! That means instead of OLD jokes that suck, you get NEW jokes that SUCK! That is my guarantee to YOU, the loyal reader!

We want to take this opportunity as the ground-breaking internet force that we are to extend our congratulations to a ground breaking magazine on it's 60th anniversary.

Now, on with the headlines in 5...




#BrokenNews People Were Beating Each Other Up Over Towels At Walmart" Hey, guys, easy on those towels. Walmart employees sometimes use those for food.

#BrokenNews "McConnell Smacks Down Tea Party Conservatives" Can you smell what the Mitch is cooking?!

#BrokenNews "Greek Nazi Party Holds Rally Outside Parliament" Hey, have you seen how much it costs to hold a rally INSIDE the Greek Parliament?
#BrokenNews "Ron Burgundy Is Finally Getting His Own Scotch" In the run up to the release of Anchorman 2, I think Ron Burgundy's name and face has been on everything except toilet paper.
OK, I stand corrected.
Moving on...

#BrokenNews "Poll Reveals Americans Don't Trust Each Other Anymore" Well, it's a good thing we all have guns, huh?

#BrokenNews "Americans Don't Really Care About Typhoon Haiyan, Study Says" We'd love to help but we spent all our money on Black Friday deals. If it helps, we are heavily armed. Is there anything we can shoot at?

Wait! What's this?


#BrokenNews "Poll: Americans Divided Over Iran Nuke Deal" The top story on Fox News: Has Obama made a big mistake or has a big mistake been made by Obama?

#BrokenNewsChina Launches Its First Lunar Probe” Meanwhile, US launches rectal probe past a Hickory Farms cheeseball just to show we’re still in the game.

And now....


Hey, kids! Christmastime is coming!
Let's count some holiday ornaments that really suck!
And I mean the BAD kind of suck! Blah!

1.    Rudolph the Red Assed Reindeer
2.    Frosty the Yellow Snowman
3.    Candy Striped Neon Penis
4.    Satan Claus
5.    Nativity Scene with Honey Boo Boo
6.    Duck Dynasty Wise Men
7.    Star of David Beckham
8.    Spastic Seizure Inducing Roof Lights
9.    St. Nick O'Lantern (Repurposed Semi-Rotted Halloween Jack O'Lantern)

Time now for some...


And the headline train rolls on!

#BrokenNews Obamacare Website Report Shows Good News” 15 minutes with Geico can save you 15% or more on your car insurance.

#BrokenNewsOfficials: Americans Are Joining Syria's Civil War” Somebody said there would be beer and pizza afterwards if we could help out a bit.

#BrokenNews Mystery Of Planet's Huge Red Spot May Finally Have Been Solved” It’s acne.

Uh oh. This again.


#BrokenNews 2,000 mice dropped on Guam by parachute to kill snakes” They looked so cute with their teeny-tiny snake killing machetes.

There was one mouse who was really scared of heights: “I’ll take my chances with the cat!!!”

#BrokenNews John Boehner On Least Productive Congress Ever: 'We've Done Our Work' But not the people’s work but hell, who has time for that?

#BrokenNews New GOP Plan Would Save Military From Sequestration By Cutting Social Security” So the decision is to either fuck with old people who might have guns vs. not so old people who definitely have guns.

Here's more news you can use!


Greetings! Being with people at the holiday season
can sometimes be stressful! Here are five...
YES, FIVE etiquette tips about that!

1.     So you think your son's fiance is a skanky whore. Try to keep that to yourself. Besides, he already knows that. He's either getting laid a lot or he's just trying to make you mad. Or both. Just take a swig of that Scotch you keep hidden in the kitchen and let it go.
2.     So you think you need to drink in order to cope with being around the family this holiday season. Did you bring enough to share because the rest of us need a little help spending time in the company of your sorry ass self too.
3.     So you got me a more expensive present than I got you. Hey, you win! Merry f**kin' Christmas!
4.    Mistletoe is never an excuse to make a drunken pass at your cousin. Never.
5.    Never comment on a Christmas gift, "Well, it's not the oral sex I really wanted but thanks!" Particularly if the present is from your aunt.          

 Hey, here are some more pictures with words and stuff!

Well, that explains that whole Bill & Hillary thing.

Onward with the headlines? Yes---

Shit! This again?

Okay, NOW we move ONWARD with the headlines!

#BrokenNews"Chicago on pace for fewest murders since 1965" New marketing slogan: "Come to Chicago: We're really trying not to kill you (as often)!"

#BrokenNews Bachmann: Obama 'Has Rewritten The Constitution For Himself'” Now, if Obama really re-wrote the Constitution, the preamble would read, “We the people, in order to form a form a perfect union, will demand that Michelle Bachman shut the hell up!”

#BrokenNews Uruguayan President: Weed Is The Way” Followed by Fritos. Lots and lots of Fritos.


We here at bROkEN nEWs want to help with your relationship problems with...


Yo, girlfriend! Should you get married to that guy?
NO! He's scum, he's no good for you!
And here are THREE--yes, THREE--
one, two, three reasons to call of the wedding!

1.    He makes you wear a “Hi, my name is…” tag.
2.    He asked which bridesmaid he should bang first.
3.    His choice of reception caterer has a wide variety of squirrel-based dishes.
All right, let's bring bROkEN nEWs in for a landing!

#BrokenNews GOP Governor Pushing To Loosen Child Labor Laws In 2014” A Dickens of an idea! We’ll call it “Urchins For Prosperity” or some shit like that.
#BrokenNews The Amazing Reason Why Pope Francis Leaves The Vatican At Night” He’s BATMAN!

#BrokenNews "America Is Launching A Giant, World-Sucking Octopus Into Space" ...

You know, sometimes we need to just let a headline speak for itself.


WHOA! That was a mighty big meatball of an edition of bROkEN nEWs!

Thanks for dropping by! We should do this again some time! Have your people call my people and we'll do lunch.


I wish I had people.


So that's a wrap! Take us out....

What the hell?!

Until we meet again, be good to one another!
Tomorrow on the blog: Doctor Who Saturday

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