|Superman art by Loston Wallace|
HELLO, FRIDAY! Mmm-wah! Good to see ya!
If this is Friday, then that means its time for another edition of bROkEN nEWs!
And we are ALL NEW this week baby! That means instead of OLD jokes that suck, you get NEW jokes that SUCK! That is my guarantee to YOU, the loyal reader!
We want to take this opportunity as the ground-breaking internet force that we are to extend our congratulations to a ground breaking magazine on it's 60th anniversary.
Now, on with the headlines in 5...
Wait! What's this?
#BrokenNews “China Launches Its First Lunar Probe” Meanwhile, US launches rectal probe past a Hickory Farms cheeseball just to show we’re still in the game.
|Hey, kids! Christmastime is coming! |
Let's count some holiday ornaments that really suck!
And I mean the BAD kind of suck! Blah!
And the headline train rolls on!
#BrokenNews “Obamacare Website Report Shows Good News” 15 minutes with Geico can save you 15% or more on your car insurance.
#BrokenNews “Officials: Americans Are Joining Syria's Civil War” Somebody said there would be beer and pizza afterwards if we could help out a bit.
#BrokenNews “Mystery Of Planet's Huge Red Spot May Finally Have Been Solved” It’s acne.
Uh oh. This again.
#BrokenNews “2,000 mice dropped on Guam by parachute to kill snakes” They looked so cute with their teeny-tiny snake killing machetes.
There was one mouse who was really scared of heights: “I’ll take my chances with the cat!!!”
#BrokenNews “John Boehner On Least Productive Congress Ever: 'We've Done Our Work'” But not the people’s work but hell, who has time for that?
#BrokenNews “New GOP Plan Would Save Military From Sequestration By Cutting Social Security” So the decision is to either fuck with old people who might have guns vs. not so old people who definitely have guns.
Here's more news you can use!
|Greetings! Being with people at the holiday season |
can sometimes be stressful! Here are five...
YES, FIVE etiquette tips about that!
Hey, here are some more pictures with words and stuff!
Well, that explains that whole Bill & Hillary thing.
Onward with the headlines? Yes---
Shit! This again?
Okay, NOW we move ONWARD with the headlines!
#BrokenNews “"Chicago on pace for fewest murders since 1965" New marketing slogan: "Come to Chicago: We're really trying not to kill you (as often)!"
#BrokenNews “Bachmann: Obama 'Has Rewritten The Constitution For Himself'” Now, if Obama really re-wrote the Constitution, the preamble would read, “We the people, in order to form a form a perfect union, will demand that Michelle Bachman shut the hell up!”
#BrokenNews “Uruguayan President: Weed Is The Way” Followed by Fritos. Lots and lots of Fritos.
We here at bROkEN nEWs want to help with your relationship problems with...
|Yo, girlfriend! Should you get married to that guy? |
NO! He's scum, he's no good for you!
And here are THREE--yes, THREE--
one, two, three reasons to call of the wedding!
#BrokenNews "America Is Launching A Giant, World-Sucking Octopus Into Space" ...
You know, sometimes we need to just let a headline speak for itself.
WHOA! That was a mighty big meatball of an edition of bROkEN nEWs!
Thanks for dropping by! We should do this again some time! Have your people call my people and we'll do lunch.
I wish I had people.
So that's a wrap! Take us out....
What the hell?!