Wednesday, January 8, 2014

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor#13

Hello there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog with seven secret herbs and spices.

I'm Dave-El and today on the blog, I have to do something I haven't had to do in a while: give a post over to a commercial for one of our sponsors. 

As I've noted here before, providing high quality entertainment via blog is NOT cheap and friends, I am not cheap. I'm easy but I'm not cheap. 

Wait, I AM cheap but I'm NOT easy.

Hold on, I AM cheap AND I'm easy.

OK, I think I have that settled.

Uh, what point was I trying to make here?

Oh the hell with it! Run the damn commercial!


Scene opens with a woman's head and face in a fairly tight close up.  The woman is in her early 40's, mid-length wave brunette hair, typical suburban soccer mom. Her name is Lynette Anderson.

Lynette (addressing camera): Hi, my name is Lynette Anderson. I'm married, mother of two children, I work in a florist. I never imagined I would need protection from...well, it all started....

Scene change: Lynette with her two kids watching TV in a typical living room.

Lynette (VO): One day when the children and I were watching TV when suddenly.

Close up on youngest child: Mommy, what's that lady doing?

Close up on Lynette looking horrified, covering child's eyes.

Lynette (VO): I couldn't it believe it!

Change view to see TV screen: It's Miley Cyrus, gyrating provocatively on stage. 

Cut  back to Lynette speaking to the camera.

Lynette: It was Miley Cyrus! And she was doing some kind of obscene...I don't know what it was. I believe the kids call "twerking"? Well, I was appalled. How could sweet Hannah Montana turn into this tramp? I knew I had to carefully monitor what my children watched on TV.

Scene change: Lynette with her kids in the grocery store. Lynette is looking at some produce.

Lynette (VO): But the problem was worse than I expected.

One of Lynette's children tugs on her sleeve: Mommy! It's that lady again!

Lynette looks up with an expression of shock and surprise.

Lynette (VO): I couldn't believe my eyes!

Change view to see Miley Cyrus, scantily clad and dancing provocatively in the bakery section.

Lynette (VO): Miley Cyrus, twerking in the baked goods!

Close up on Miley as she smiles and flicks out her tongue.

Back to Lynette addressing camera: It was a most revolting display. But didn't end there.

Scene change: Lynette is at her florist job, arranging some flowers. 

Lynette (VO): I was at my job, preparing a floral display when suddenly....

Close up on Lynette looking shocked again.

View change to Miley Cyrus writhing in a sexual manner while flicking her tongue in and out.

Lynette (VO): There was Miley Cyrus doing that...that...

Back to Lynette addressing the camera.

Lynette (leans forward, whispers): Twerking.

Scene change back to the florist as Lynette pulls out her cell phone.

Lynette (VO): It was then that I knew that I had enough.

Back to Lynette addressing camera: It was then that I called American Glory.

Camera pulls back and sitting next to her is Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak.

Pat Sajak: And good decision you made too. Hi, I'm Pat Sajak. You may know me as the host of Wheel of Fortune but I want to talk to you about the problem of Miley Cyrus's rampant twerking and how American Glory can help. For as little as $5.00 a month, American Glory can insure this...

Cut to a still of Miley Cyrus in the middle of a gyration. As Pat speaks, a bright red X is painted over the image.

Pat Sajak (VO): ...will not bother you again.

Back to Pat and Lynette facing the camera.

Pat Sajak: The fine folks at American Glory have put together an Anti Miley Cyrus Twerking Insurance Policy that will provide protection for both individuals and families.

Lynette (smiling): I know have peace of mind for as little as $5.00 a month that my family is safe from Miley Cyrus. Thank you, American Glory!

Pat Sajak: And thank you, Lynette, for sharing your story. Ladies and gentlemen, be like Lynette and do the smart thing.  Call American Glory today.  Because nobody wants to see Miley Cyrus twerking. And American Glory is here to help.


And thank you, American Glory, for sponsoring our blog again!

 (Although I'm not sure how an Anti Miley Cyrus Twerking policy is supposed to work but hey, not my problem. If American Glory has figured out how to put the kibosh on that, more power to 'em!)

Come back tomorrow for an ALL NEW installment of this blog's most exciting ongoing feature ever! The Adventures of Knock-Knock, the Interrupting Cow!

Until then, be good to one another!

And to show you what a good sport I am, here's a rebuttal from Miley Cyrus. Take it away Miley!

"Uh, I don't get it."

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