Friday, January 17, 2014

Broken News For Friday, January 17th, 2014

Greetings and Salutations! 

Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, a blog that is suspiciously low on eggs.

I'm Dave-El and since this is Friday, this must be a freshly minted right out of the box sealed in cellophane edition of bROkEN nEWs, the internet's answer to the annoying guy at the end of the bar who has a damn answer for everything. And we all know the internet can use more of those. 

Today's editon of bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by Justin Bieber and the American Egg Council

Take it away, Justin!*

*sung to the tune of Justin's first smash hit, "Baby"

Thank you, Justin! 

All right now, don't come a knockin' 'cause bROkEN nEWs is a rockin' in 5...





#BrokenNews "Accenture new lead contractor on Obamacare site" First thing they did was plug the computer in.

#BrokenNews "He's out: Slugger Alex Rodriguez suspended for entire season" Oh no! The Yankees are going to suck without A-Rod! Wait, never mind...

#BrokenNews "Red Hot Chili Peppers join Super Bowl halftime show" Ironically, few will see this because of all the red hot chili peppers in the pimento cheese dip.

#BrokenNews"Rhino hunt sold for $350,000 in controversial auction" But it's Dick Cheney's dream come true! 

#BrokenNews "David Cassidy arrested for DUI, his third since 2010" I think he has a problem! (I think he has a problem!)*


Intervention required by...

Dept. of Punchline Explanations

1970's Division 

Back in the 1970's, David Cassidy was a teen heart throb, his handsome devil-may-care smile adorning Teen Beat and wall posters everywhere. The main impetus to David's superstardom was his weekly presence on a TV show called The Partridge Family. This was a sitcom about a family who become rock stars. Well, as much as rock stars one can be when Mom's a member of the group. Each week after going through some silly thing out of the sitcom writer's manual, they would play a song, a catchy little pop ditty that would not be out of place on Lawrence Welk's show. (Yeah, that guy Fred Armisen used to do on Saturday Night Live.) One of those tunes, "I Think I Love You", was a big hit. From there following the path well worn by many a celebrity or band profiled on VH1's Behind the Music, well, you know how it goes. Today, David Cassidy will lip-sync to "I Think I Love You" at the convenience store opening of your choice in exchange for $20 and a case of beer. (The $20 is negotiable.) 

Now back to the headlines! 

#BrokenNews "Pimp sues Nike for lack of warning label on shoes" Warning: Nike shoes are not resistant to knife attacks from the ho you are trying to kick the shit out of

#BrokenNews"Pentagon: Sexism part of military academy culture" And ladies, balls are a particularly vulnerable part of the male anatomy, I'm just sayin'. 

Time now for....

bROkEN nEWs IN pICtUrEs! 

Before we get back to the headlines, let's look in on....

bROkEN nEWs tHat cOUnTs! 

And here's....THE COUNT! 

Hi kids!
The question today is: "To count...or not to count?" There is NO question! I MUST COUNT! Blah! And today we're going to count something very educational from the works of William Shakespeare! Ooh, classy! We have thirteen....OH MY WORD! Thirteen? Woo! What a number!
That's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13! WOW! Thirteen words that you may not know that Shakespeare invented. BLAH! 

13 Words You Didn't Know Were Invented By Shakespeare
1. Foshizzle
2. Farvegneugen 
3. Boo-yah! 
4. Transvaginal 
5. Ferret
6. Apricot
7. Chimichunga 
8. Twerking
9. Outsourced 
10. Twizzler
11. Carburetor 
12. Schwing! 
13. Nerf

I sense a disturbance in the bROkEN nEWs! Yes, the headlines are back! 

#BrokenNews "Breastfeeding moms fight for rights at work" They've even got their own theme song: "You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Breast Feed" by the Breastie Boys.*

*I think I might try to sell that joke to Highlights For Children.

#BrokenNews "Chemical spill a blow to W.Va. capital's economy" The news for Charleston is not all bad news. In fact, one could look at it as a glass half-empty/half-full sort of thing. Except the half that is full is also poisoned.

In effort to put a positive spin on these events, government officials are avoiding the word "poisoned" and instead refer to the water as "enhanced"

#BrokenNews"Man suspected of blowing up own home" Geez, some guys will do anything to avoid cleaning the house.

And now some MORE pictures!

And Old Man Headlines keeps a rollin' along! 

#BrokenNews "Kerry, World Leaders Pressures Syria to Attend Peace Talks" C'mon! There'll be snacks! We can chill and play some X-Box! Please?

#BrokenNews "Karl Rove Defends Gov. Christie By Invoking Benghazi


Benghazi, the all purpose political tool! 

  • It slices, dices, chops and cuts! 
  • It's a toilet cleaner AND a dessert topping! 
  • It tastes great AND it's less filling! 
  • It's short! It's tall! 
  • It's something! It's everything! 
  • It's anything at all! 

You have a well reasoned argument based on facts and research? Fuck you and your argument: I've got BENGHAZI! 

  • Do not use as directed! 
  • Use for any damn thing you want! 


I think I need to take a moment.

Hey, let's look at this: 

Awkward Moments 
with Mitch McConnell!

And this has been....

Awkward Moments 
with Mitch McConnell!

Hey, we've got HEADLINES!!!

#BrokenNews "Pope Francis Names New Cardinals" To show how with-it he is, the Pope named them after the members of One Direction!

#BrokenNews "Obama Announces Black Lesbian Judicial Nominee" Obama's happy; this gets him a triple score in Political Scrabble.

#BrokenNews “Bridge scandal story has only just begun” I am shocked, SHOCKED by this scandal! I mean, this is fucking New Jersey and no one’s been whacked yet? 

And now a tense scene from the new TV drama Game of Calzones where Sen. John McCain confronts chastened New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

Let's watch! 

NOTE: There is no basis in reality for any kind of meeting or confrontation between Sen. McCain and Gov. Christie. Which means this could wind up on Fox News. Squeee. 

Before we get to the next headline, I just want to say I have nothing against the fine folks who live in Missouri and it's not your fault the state is geographically boring. 

#BrokenNewsSouthwest flight lands at wrong Missouri airport” Oh great! I suppose we’re now expected to tell one part of Missouri from another.

#BrokenNews “Justin Bieber accused of egging neighbor's home” This only happened after Justin was horrified to discover he had gone more than 24 hours without doing something totally fucked up. 

#BrokenNewsDeputies search Justin Bieber's California mansion for evidence in egging incident” Will the Bieb have to be eggs-tradited? Maybe he can claim eggs-tenuating circumstances! I hope he can hire an eggs-cellent attorney. Who knows what to eggs-pect from….

Hey, why is my computer glowing like that? Wait! Stop! NO!


Hi, this is Dave-El’s computer. I have administered a mild but potent electric shock to bring this silliness to an end. Now let’s look at some Broken News In Pictures while Dave-El recovers and thinks about what he did. 

#BrokenNews"New Obamacare Numbers Released" Those numbers are 16 - 57 - 32 - 14 - 63 - 7. Congratulations! If these are YOUR numbers, you get health care! 

And we're gonna need all the health care we can get if this is really happening!

#BrokenNews "Chocolate-Flavored Fried Chicken Has Arrived" 50 years from now: "Yep, I remember when Americans first began turning into large formless masses of goo..."

#BrokenNews "DEA Secretly Worked With Top Mexican Drug Cartel" Oh come on! Do we really expect the DEA to work with a Mexican drug cartel if they weren't the tops in the business? Geez! 

I wonder what's happening on Game of Calzones?

Wow! That's some strong stuff there! 

Have we picked on Ted Cruz today? 


Let's fix that!

#BrokenNews "Ted Cruz Delivers Huge Slap In The Face To House GOP Leaders" Sadly, Ted doesn't understand the concept of a "metaphor" so he went over to the House and actually slapped them. 

#BrokenNews “New Spending Bill Defunds Program That No Longer Exists” Great! Now how are we going to defend ourselves against the Visigoths?

Say, kids, why don't we check in one last time with The Count and...

bROkEN nEWs tHat cOUnTs! 

Hi, kids! Forgive the blue lighting but I'm trying to keep things quiet and not disturb Mrs. Count. She might not approve this list. Blah!
So here we go, kids: Ten....ooh, boy! 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10...
TEN different sexual positions you can try...
IF you're a bug!
10 Sex Positions To Try If You're An Insect
1. The Buzzer Beater
2. Antennaelingus
3. The Thorax Thrust 
4. Winging It!
5. The Sex-oskeleton Slide
6. The Pincer Push 
7. The Creepy Crawler
8. The Dog and Butterfly
9. The Stinging Sensation
10. Bugfuck 

Let's pull this baby into the driveway! 

#BrokenNews “Lawmakers Push Obama To Come Clean About Mysterious Spying Budget” Obama replies, “This is not the mysterious spying budget you’re looking for.” 

#BrokenNews “Obama's Overhaul Of Major Obstacle Finally Complete” Now it’s a SUPER DUPER COLOSSAL OBSTACLE! (with sprinkles) 

#BrokenNewsWyoming Lawmaker Proposes Firing Squads For Execution” NRA’s Wayne LaPierre sheds tears of joy: the circle is nearly complete! 

#BrokenNews "Scientists Report Massive Find Under Antarctic Ice" It's a traffic back up from the George Washington Bridge.


And THAT, my friends is the end of a very much jammed packed with goodness edition of bROkEN nEWs 

This edition of bROkEN nEWs has been brought to you by:

* The American Egg Council. Justin Bieber reminds you to enjoy the incredible edible (and throwable) egg!
* Chris Christie Dentistry, specializing in bridge work!
* West Virginia Spring Water, now enhanced with flavor! 

Come back tomorrow for an ALL NEW installment of Doctor Who Saturday. Until then, be good to one another.

Oh, and if you had any complaints or were offended in any way by any of the contents in today's bROkEN nEWs, we do take these concerns seriously and urge you to bring these to the attention of our complaint department.

"Yeah, I feel so bad for you. Now go away!"

Thank you. 

Well, It's Monday Again.

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