Hi there and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You.
I'm Dave-El and this is Friday and that means a new installment of....
bROkEN nEWs!
So let's get started on some headlines!
In 5...
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#BrokenNews "Mitt Romney Goes After Obamacare" Oh, Mitt Romney, still seizing the zeitgeist months after the fact.
#BrokenNews "Congress Has Tons Of Issues To Tackle In 2014" Most of which are leftover from 2013.
#BrokenNews "New York Set To Loosen Marijuana Laws" Mellower New Yorkers will still yell "YOU SUCK!" but only at every third random passerby.
#BrokenNews "GOP Rep. Brags About Nonexistent Endorsements" And his imaginary girlfriend in Canada.
#BrokenNews "NSA Does Not Deny Spying On Congress" Suddenly Congress becomes the NSA's best friend.
And now....pikchurs!
Let's have some news you can use as we present...
bROkEN nEWs tHaT cOUnTs!
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| Hello, kids! As you know, the Count loves to count! No, not just "loves to count", you might say I'm NUTS about counting! Blah! And speaking of nuts, here are SIX.... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6!...SIX things you might not know about almonds! BLAH! |
6 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Almonds
- The 2nd most popular name for almonds is "Al". The most popular: Juarez
- 34% of almonds voted for Mitt Romney in 2013.
- Almonds are not very politically savvy.
- Almonds and peanuts have centuries of acrimony between them
- Almonds miss Simon Cowell on American Idol but still don't watch X-Factor.
- If you mention "Almond Joy" to an almond, they will likely be very embarrassed.
More headlines? Yes, more headlines!
#BrokenNews "Liz Cheney drops out of Senate race in Wyoming" She was running out of family members to ostracize.
#BrokenNews "Sex offender blocked from taking bar exam" Lawyers react with alarm: "Wait a minute! We have standards now?"
#BrokenNews "Bone-chilling 'polar vortex' leaves millions shivering" The cold from this polar vortex is exceeded only by the cold of outer space and that dead space where Dick Cheney’s soul is supposed to be.
#BrokenNews "What Your Favorite Sandwich Says About You" Probably "I wish this sonuvabitch would stop eating me."
Heads up! We have more...
bROkEN nEWs tHaT cOUnTs!
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| Hello, kids! It's said that the greatest love of all is to love yourself. Mrs. Count disagrees and never wants to catch the Count loving himself ever again. Blah! But here are three... 1, 2, 3!...THREE ways you can love yourself unconditionally! BLAH! |
3 Steps To Loving Yourself Unconditionally
1) Well, I better buy myself a drink first, sailor!
2) Lower my expectations of what I expect from myself in this relationship
3) Close my eyes and pretend I’m someone else!
Headlines, y'all!
#BrokenNews “Fox News Chief Offered To Pay $100/Week For Sex” What a shocking, reprehensible…wait? $100? That’s really not a bad deal.
#BrokenNews “Probe Suggests Banks Didn't Learn A Thing From Crisis” Well, I think they learn something: what they can get away with.
#BrokenNews “The Big Problem With The GOP's Answer To Poverty” Renaming “poverty” to “happy sparkle fun time” deserves a closer look.
#BrokenNews “Immigration Hardliner: Hispanics Will 'Unmake' America” That seems odd, giving all the building construction and landscaping they do
#BrokenNews “Dennis Rodman Calls Kim Jong Un His 'Best Friend'” And Kim Jong Un says, “내게 미친 흑인 남자를 멀리 유지하십시오!*
*”Please keep that crazy black man away from me!”
#BrokenNews “300 Lbs. Of Cocaine Discovered In Supermarket Banana Boxes” Somewhere a Wall Street stockbroker’s trying to snort a banana.
#BrokenNews “The Hardest Question For Women To Answer?” Well it can’t be ‘Was it good for you?” because the answer is always “It was fantastic!”, right, ladies?
OK, that's it for this week's bROkEN nEWs! .
If you have any objections to any of the material presented in this blog, we here at Dave-El Inc and I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Enternainment do wish to take those complaints seriously.
With that in mind, please let us introduce the Broken News Complaint Department.
Be good to one another.
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