Friday, January 24, 2014

Broken News for Friday, January 24th, 2014

Hello and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, now with a surprise inside every box! 

I'm Dave-El, you are (I'm sure) a lovely person, today is Friday and today's post is a new edition of bROkEN nEWs

Before we get into today's stuff 'n' junk, let's take a look at this.
Yeah, Justin Bieber got himself arrested in Miami Beach for drunk driving and speeding. The li'l fucker could've killed some damn body and he's grinning in his mug shot like he just won the damn lottery? 

At the end of Sunset Boulevard (and if you haven't seen it, then spoilers, I guess? Hell with it, I'm moving on) when the police come to arrest Norma Desmond for murder, there are cameras there to record this for the newsreels. Norma's gone off the deep end and she thinks the cameras are there to record her great cinematic comeback. 

"All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up," says Norma as she looms in closer to the camera, cut off from the reality that is her life and what she has done.  

Scooter Braun, Justin says he's ready for his close up. 

For more analysis on JB's mug shot, click here

Well, the little dickhead who used to be my daughter's center of attention (who she can barely stand now) has got me a bit riled up. Perhaps I need to take advantage of the new feature in today's bROkEN nEWs, a feature to help deal with the stresses of the week gone by.  Now prepare to hear a calm and soothing message in the form of....

Moments of Meditation 
with Richard Sherman.

Thank you, Richard, for that message of peace and love. We'll have more from Mr. Sherman later in the post.

But for now, let's get bROkEN nEWs going in 






#Broken News "Anti-Gay Putin Claims He's 'Friendly' With Gay People" And Hitler was "best buds" with the Jews.

#Broken News "Obama Promises Germany: No Spying" Obama to NSA: "Psst! I had my fingers crossed behind my back when I said that. Hee hee!"

#Broken News "NFL Signals Openness On Medical Marijuana Use" Maybe then the players will "mellow out" and not care so much about this whole "concussion problem". 

Let's take a moment to look at some pretty pictures! Ooh, and words too! 

#Broken News "Liz Cheney's Big Mistake" Failing to understand that some women just don't care for Dick. (Cheney, that is. What were YOU thinking?)

#Broken News "Christie Declares War On MSNBC" Employees of MSNBC over in Ft. Lee NJ are worried: "Oh crap! We'll be stuck in traffic FOREVER!" 

Well, if staffers with MSNBC do wind up getting stuck in traffic on the George Washington Bridge, perhaps they can find calm and contentment in the words of Richard Sherman. 

Very wise, Mr. Sherman. Very wise indeed,

#Broken News "Mysterious Rock Has Mars Scientists Scratching Their Heads" Failing to recognize the more problematic issue of Martian dandruff.

As for the "mysterious rock"? 

#Broken News "Rodman Checks Into Rehab" Kim Jong Un: "No! Not Drunk Dennis no fun! Bring back Drunk Dennis!"

#Broken News "Amazon May Start Shipping Items Before You Even Order Them" OK, Amazon just shipped me a coffin. What do they know that I don't?

#Broken News "Massive Brawl Breaks Out Just 2 Seconds Into NHL Game" Good, no sense wasting time before getting to the important stuff.  

Hockey players perhaps would not be so quick to anger if they could take a moment of meditation like Richard Sherman. 

That is so beautiful; really, it is. 

Before we move with the headlines, let's a take a look at...

bROkEN nEWs tHaT cOUnTs! 

And here is...The Count

"Hey kids! Being out of work can be a real pain. I know that pain from that time I lost my job at The Men's Wearhouse. Really, I think every man's should have a cape to go with his suit! Blah! Anyway, here are ten....ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 6, 9, 10...TEN awkward moments that can happen to you when your're unemployed. BLAH!"

10 Awkward Moments 
When You're Unemployed

  1. No longer giving a shit, you randomly tell people you spend most of the day jacking off.
  2. Your fashion sense can be described as "frat house after party"
  3. Thinking a fast food job is beneath you, you realize you've been wearing the same underwear for 10 days and you're no longer that big on dignity
  4. Being yelled at by a homeless person, "Hey, why don't YOU get a job!"
  5. A concerned blood bank employee tries to give you blood back because "you don't look so good".
  6. An irritated sperm bank employee tells you "four times a day is more than enough". 
  7. Your fashion sense has declined to "autumn hued homeless" 
  8. Claiming you're "self-employed" instead of "unemployed" isn't too damn funny after 142 weeks.
  9. You realize you're getting pretty damn good at pricing games on The Price Is Right. 
  10. It occurs to you how much you miss saying, "I didn't get the memo." 

Funny, I always pictured the Count as more of a Jos. A Banks kinda guy. Oh well, back to the headlines.

#BrokenNews "Man Might Choose Mars Trip Over Family" A lot of men in America look at that and say, "Wow! I did not know that was an option!" 

#Broken News "Lindsay Lohan Announces Surprise Film" Surprise! It's NOT a porno!

#BrokenNews "Hoboken treated like everyone else after Sandy, NJ governor's office says" Translation: Everyone got fucked! 

#BrokenNews "Spaniards hurl turnips at man in beast suit" Because, seriously, what else are you gonna do with turnips?

#BrokenNews "Broncos face Super test in top-ranked Seahawks" First priority: keep Peyton Manning from being eaten by Richard Sherman.

#BrokenNews "What Drove Ke$ha Into Rehab" I'm assuming the bartender cut her off. 

Well, I hope someone's saving a room next to Ke$ha for this little shit. 


And that's wrap on bROkEN nEWs this week. I would like to thank our special guest contributor from the NFC Champion Seattle Seahawks, Richard Sherman.  Richard, may you favor us with one last meditation for today.

Thank you, Richard.

And thank you, gentle reader, for comin' round again this Friday for another installment of our weekly wackly news wrap up. 

As always, I do take the concerns of my readers seriously. So if anyone was offended in any way by any of the material in today's bROkEN nEWs, I beseech you voice those complaints to our Broken News Complaint Department

Yeah, whatever.
Another installment of Doctor Who Saturday

And next Friday: 
A NEW installment of Broken News

Until then, be good to one another. 

"A guy named Bubba wants me
to be his boyfriend? Cool!"

Counting Down To Infinity