Thank you, Richard, for that message of peace and love. We'll have more from Mr. Sherman later in the post.
But for now, let's get bROkEN nEWs going in
#Broken News "Anti-Gay Putin Claims He's 'Friendly' With Gay People" And Hitler was "best buds" with the Jews.
#Broken News "Obama Promises Germany: No Spying" Obama to NSA: "Psst! I had my fingers crossed behind my back when I said that. Hee hee!"
#Broken News "NFL Signals Openness On Medical Marijuana Use" Maybe then the players will "mellow out" and not care so much about this whole "concussion problem".
Let's take a moment to look at some pretty pictures! Ooh, and words too!
#Broken News "Liz Cheney's Big Mistake" Failing to understand that some women just don't care for Dick. (Cheney, that is. What were YOU thinking?)
#Broken News "Christie Declares War On MSNBC" Employees of MSNBC over in Ft. Lee NJ are worried: "Oh crap! We'll be stuck in traffic FOREVER!"
Well, if staffers with MSNBC do wind up getting stuck in traffic on the George Washington Bridge, perhaps they can find calm and contentment in the words of Richard Sherman.
Very wise, Mr. Sherman. Very wise indeed,
#Broken News "Mysterious Rock Has Mars Scientists Scratching Their Heads" Failing to recognize the more problematic issue of Martian dandruff.
As for the "mysterious rock"?
#Broken News "Rodman Checks Into Rehab" Kim Jong Un: "No! Not Drunk Dennis no fun! Bring back Drunk Dennis!"
#Broken News "Amazon May Start Shipping Items Before You Even Order Them" OK, Amazon just shipped me a coffin. What do they know that I don't?
#Broken News "Massive Brawl Breaks Out Just 2 Seconds Into NHL Game" Good, no sense wasting time before getting to the important stuff.
Hockey players perhaps would not be so quick to anger if they could take a moment of meditation like Richard Sherman.
That is so beautiful; really, it is.
Before we move with the headlines, let's a take a look at...
bROkEN nEWs tHaT cOUnTs!
And here is...The Count!
- No longer giving a shit, you randomly tell people you spend most of the day jacking off.
- Your fashion sense can be described as "frat house after party"
- Thinking a fast food job is beneath you, you realize you've been wearing the same underwear for 10 days and you're no longer that big on dignity
- Being yelled at by a homeless person, "Hey, why don't YOU get a job!"
- A concerned blood bank employee tries to give you blood back because "you don't look so good".
- An irritated sperm bank employee tells you "four times a day is more than enough".
- Your fashion sense has declined to "autumn hued homeless"
- Claiming you're "self-employed" instead of "unemployed" isn't too damn funny after 142 weeks.
- You realize you're getting pretty damn good at pricing games on The Price Is Right.
- It occurs to you how much you miss saying, "I didn't get the memo."
#BrokenNews "Man Might Choose Mars Trip Over Family" A lot of men in America look at that and say, "Wow! I did not know that was an option!"
#Broken News "Lindsay Lohan Announces Surprise Film" Surprise! It's NOT a porno!
#BrokenNews "Hoboken treated like everyone else after Sandy, NJ governor's office says" Translation: Everyone got fucked!
#BrokenNews "Broncos face Super test in top-ranked Seahawks" First priority: keep Peyton Manning from being eaten by Richard Sherman.
#BrokenNews "What Drove Ke$ha Into Rehab" I'm assuming the bartender cut her off.
Well, I hope someone's saving a room next to Ke$ha for this little shit.
And that's wrap on bROkEN nEWs this week. I would like to thank our special guest contributor from the NFC Champion Seattle Seahawks, Richard Sherman. Richard, may you favor us with one last meditation for today.
Thank you, Richard.
And thank you, gentle reader, for comin' round again this Friday for another installment of our weekly wackly news wrap up.
As always, I do take the concerns of my readers seriously. So if anyone was offended in any way by any of the material in today's bROkEN nEWs, I beseech you voice those complaints to our Broken News Complaint Department.
Another installment of Doctor Who Saturday
And next Friday:
A NEW installment of Broken News!
Until then, be good to one another.
|"A guy named Bubba wants me |
to be his boyfriend? Cool!"