Friday, January 3, 2014

Broken News for Friday, January 3rd, 2014

Superman vs. Lex Luthor by the legendary Curt Swan!


Hello and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, your leading online outlet for hypothetical tree resin.*

*Man, I REALLY have no idea what that means.

OK, I'm Dave-El and since this is Friday and I have absolutely NO social life to speak of, let's do this bROkEN nEWs thing we do! That's right, it's our FIRST ALL NEW installment for 2014! Which means a whole new year of...whatever this is.

What this is is my version of a (reportedly) humorous look at news headlines and pictures, you know, just like The Daily Show but with fewer actual laughs. Then again, it's just me and not a staff load of Harvard Lampoon wannabes so there's that. And you don't have pay for (or steal) cable to see this.

OK, you may be paying for (or stealing) service from an internet provider.

Unless you're reading this from work or the public library in which case, pull your pants back up.

Let's do some headlines in 5...





 #BrokenNews "Will John Kerry Run For President Again?" If for no other reason than to make Hillary Clinton look positively more "funky" in comparison.

#BrokenNews "Top Republican Can't Deal With Benghazi Reality" That sentence would still make sense even without the word "Benghazi".

#BrokenNews "Ted Cruz: Government Shutdown Wasn't My Fault" Adding: "Somebody else was breaking stuff. I was in my room reading my Bible, honest!"

Hey, look! PICTURES!

And we're back to the headlines!

#BrokenNews "How Tea Partiers May Foil GOP Plan To Flip Senate Red" If there's anything that the Tea Party hates as much Obama, it's everybody else.

#BrokenNews "France To Impose Unbelievably High Tax On The Rich" After French lawmakers were unable to figure out how to tax snootiness.

Now let's look at some news you can use!

bROkEN nEWs tHAt cOUnTs!

Hi, kids!
If you've made a New Year's resolution to get more exercise, here are seven---yes, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7!--seven ways
you can do a workout all wrong!

7 Workout Mistakes You're Probably Making
  • Outsourcing the workout to someone else.
  • "Thinking about it REALLY hard" is not an acceptable alternative to working out.
  • Neither is driving in the vicinity of the gym.
  • Taking a triple thick milkshake on the treadmill.
  • Confusing "jogging" with "blogging".
  • Working up a sweat while eating a Double Quarter Pounder With Cheese is NOT exercise.
  • Face facts: excessive masturbation is not the calorie burning workout you think it is.

Thanks, Count! Now back to more news headlines...

#BrokenNews "Secret NSA Tactics Revealed" For example, slipping a twenty to the shoeshine man for the straight inside scoop on what's the real dirt on the street.**

**If it helps, pretend you're wearing a fedora while reading that.

#BrokenNews "Feds Make Huge Move On Drones" Feds are offering rock bottom prices on 2013 drones to make room for the 2014 models!

Look! Here's the Count with another....

bROkEN nEWs tHAt cOUnTs!

Hey, kids!
You know I love to count! LOVE it!
The more numbers there are to count, the more I like it! Blah!
But here's a list with one---just ONE!--one thing you can do to make your life better.

The 1 Change You Need To Lose Weight, Get Sharper And Live Longer

The headlines, they keep a-comin'!

#BrokenNews "Fewer Republicans Believe In Evolution Now Than In 2009" To be fair, based on what they see in the Tea Party, there's not much evidence of it.

#BrokenNews "No, The Most Apocalyptic City In America Isn't Detroit" Damn it! And Detroit's worked so hard on that, too!***

***Seriously, though, click here for the real story of the precipitous decline of this American city.

#BrokenNews "More Proof Al Qaeda Acts Like A Corporation" It's outsourcing it's suicide bombers to Bangladesh.

Heads up! More pictures!

Headlines! Let's move 'em out!

#BrokenNews "The RNC Wrote A 100-Page Autopsy, But Apparently Nobody Read It" Something about Obama winning, Romney losing, blah, blah, blah, blah! Obviously a pack of lies.

#BrokenNews "Official Who Oversaw Obamacare Website To Retire" And will be awarded the George W Bush "Good Job, Brownie" Commendation For Excellence by President Obama himself.

And finally....

#BrokenNews "Janice Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele Finally Gets Her Hawaii Driver's License"
Can you imagine if she ever gets called down as the next contestant on The Price Is Right?


And that's a wrap on this week's edition of  bROkEN nEWs

Thank you for dropping by. Tomorrow is Doctor Who Saturday here on the blog and another ALL NEW installment of bROkEN nEWs will be posted here this time next week.

Until then, be good to one another.

Wrapping things up for us tonight are those two darlings of the CNN New Year's Celebration, Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin. Anderson and Kathy, take us out!

"Hi, Anderson Cooper here, reminding you that Broken News is a production of Dave-El Inc. and I'm So Glad My-"
"You know, Anderson, if you let me give you a hand job, I could get you back over the straight side."
"<Ahem> Er, Ha! Ha! Kathy, that would make me MORE gay. Anyway, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment and is respon-"
"Well, I'm not going to suck your 'Li'l Andy Cooper', if that's what you're thinking."
"Kathy! That's very inappropriate!"
"I mean, I give a great blow job but I'm probably not as good as your boyfriend."
"Hey, I'm not judging! I know how these things go. I can't compete with gay guys when it comes to BJs!"
"Kathy Griffin!!!!"
"What if I show you my tits? Would that do anything for you?"
"Good! They'll want to see this too!"

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