Howdy! Howdy! Howdy!
Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that asks...
Turn down for NOTHIN', that's what!!!
Dave-El here and it's Friday, y'all, and that means its time for bROkEN nEWs.
This week, bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by...
Don't be lost or confused by undecipherable booty! Make sure you're getting the message of that booty clearly and correctly with...
The BOOTY To ENGLISH Dictionary!
Because sometimes your booty DOES need explaining.
bROkEN nEWs! is riding down your street!
Now, cut that out!
#BrokenNews "GOP Leadership Race Heats Up" Also known as the "Rat Race To the Bottom!"
#Broken News "IRS Says It Lost Lois Lerner's Emails" Yet it knows EXACTLY where MY tax return is? Amazing!
#Broken News "Artificial Vaginas Are On The Way" Yeah, your vagina may be fake but my dick is ALL REAL, baby! Yeah!*
*CAUTION: "all real" dick chemically enhanced with Viagra
#Broken News "U.S.: Russia Has Sent Tanks To Ukrainian Rebels" Russia denies this, says they sent "THANKS" to the rebel because Putin is really big on having good manners.
#Broken News "What Joe Biden Gave Up To Run With Obama" Besides his pro-wrestling career.
#Broken News "Iraqis Ask Which Is Worse: Extremists Or The Government?" Americans ask this everyday!
#Broken News "Hundreds Of Philadelphia Workers Strike, Shutting Down Train Lines" The good news is no one has anywhere they want to go in Philadelphia.
#Broken News "Army: Bergdahl In Stable Condition" So Bergdahl's in better shape than I am, huh?
Hey, let's do that picture thing!
And we're back to the...
(Really, is that going to keep happening?)
#BrokenNews "GOP Rising Star's Flaw May Derail Him" What could it be? High IQ? Human compassion? It could be anything!
#Broken News "Chris Rock Crashes 'Late Night' And Scares Seth Half To Death" Seth, there may be some helpful tips in the GOP handbook, What To Do If You Unavoidably Encounter A Black Person.
#Broken News "Here's How To Have The Best Sex Of Your Life After 50" Have it with someone under 30.
Speaking of life after 50, here's The Count with this week's bROkEN nEWs tHaT cOuNTs! Take it away, Count!
|Hi, boys and girls! |
It's time to COUNT....with The COUNT! Blah!
You know, they say you're only as old as you feel. Who's "they"? How should I know, it's what written on the card here. Anyway, age is a state of mind. The Count is not a young Count anymore but I can honestly say I have never felt better. In fact, I...
Why is everyone snickering? All I said is I've never....oh, "felt". Oh, very funny, Dave-El. But as I was saying, sometimes you have
to face facts, there comes a certain age where you really need to re-examine
your life choices.
So here are five...1, 2, 3, 4, 5! FIVE things you should never be caught dead doing after you turn 50!
#BrokenNews "Senate Democrats Think You Deserve Overtime Pay" Well, that's awfully nice of them. It would be nice for more Americans to have some extra cash to spend on-
- Reading "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic"
- Assembling a Taylor Swift collage out of Tiger Beat photos
- Rocking your "Female Breast Inspector" t-shirt
- Masturbating (OK, excessive masturbating)
- Writing this blog
Is it me or did some of those seem oddly... specific? Oh well, back to the headlines!
#BrokenNews "Fish Just May Be A Lot Smarter Than We Thought" Have you ever seen a fish holding public office? Exactly!
#BrokenNews "Scientists Scratching Their Heads Over Bears Having Lots Of Oral Sex" Makes you look at Yogi Bear and Boo Boo in a whole new light, huh?
#BrokenNews "Jay Carney Had The Perfect Response To Dick Cheney On Iraq" It wasn't "Fuck off, Dick!" so I'll say Jay actually had the 2nd most perfect response to Dick Cheney.
#BrokenNews "Senators Propose Gas Tax Increase" - SONUVABITCH!
#BrokenNews "GOP Senator Accuses Clinton Of Planting Benghazi Cover-Up" Psst! Dude! Hey, didn't you get the memo? We gotta back burner Benghazi for awhile. We've got that whole Bowe Bergdahl thing to piss on and we're giving shit to Obama about Iraq now. Hey, don't worry, we'll get back to Benghazi later. We'll always have Benghazi.
And that's a wrap for this week's bROkEN nEWs!. Before I go, I want to close out with...
Thank you for dropping by and remember to be good to one another.
Saturday AND Sunday, Doctor Who Weekend celebrates David Tennant! Well, "celebrate" is a bit too strong a word. Let's just say the subject of the man known as the 10th Doctor allowed me to slap together a couple of blog posts. Yeah, let's go with that.