I'm Dave-El and welcome to frickin' summer.
OK, a couple of things:
1) Technically speaking, it's not summer yet. The first day of summer is a week away. Well, tell that to the local weather forecast that's calling for highs into the mid-90's all this week.
2) What's with harshing on summertime? Everybody loves summer, right?
All through the past winter with all the snow storms, I would hear people say, "Summer can't get here soon enough for me."
I hate these people. Summer can damn too get here soon enough. I am not a fan of summer. It's hot. It's sweaty. It's filled with bugs. And people actually want to do things OUTSIDE with the heat and the sweat and the bugs. Picnics, baseball games, cornhole...what the hell is "cornhole" anyway? The name "cornhole" does not suggest a fun activity, much less one that I want to share in with other people.
As it has been firmly established in previous blog posts, I am not a normal dude. For example, on the subject of cooking out, I have one pertinent question: WHY? Why do I want to cook outdoors when I have a perfectly serviceable stove and oven inside where the air conditioning is and away from the heat, sweat and bugs?
Yes, I am a total wuss. And 75% of the year, I can deal with it. But summertime, when the living is NOT easy, I just can't cope. While a friend wants to string up a volleyball net in his backyard, I'm thinking that he has a very nice pool table inside that sits next to a very nice liquor cabinet. But NO, he wants to string up a volleyball net and get some of the guys together for a game or three.
This is NOT my milieu. Look, I'm a guy who uses "milieu" in a sentence; do I look like I belong outside?
This is not a new attitude for me. When I was a younger Dave-El, I tended towards the cooler environs of my room and my comic book collection. But comic books cost money (even if back then that money was only 25 cents an issue). So off to work I'd go in the summertime and the only paying work I could scrounge up was mowing lawns.
Me, patron hater of outdoorsiness earning money mowing lawns.
STOP LAUGHING AT ME, GOD!
Years later, there seems to be dearth of young men seeking employment in the cutting of grass. (Only it appears in the smoking of it.) So in my middle age, I'm still mowing the lawn in the heat and in the sweat and with all the bugs.
IT'S NOT FUNNY, GOD!
There are, of course, worse ways to make a living in the summer. About a month ago, this hashtag was trending on Twitter:
- Door to Door Enema Salesperson
- Professional Pooper Scooper
- Cactus Picker
- Fur Coat Tester
- McGruff the Crime Dog... At the Beach!
- Fat Guy Sweat Collector
- Sunscreen Applier For Donald Sterling
- Crack Whore Intern
- The Poor Son Of a Bitch In the Goofy Costume At Disney World
- Whatever you're still doing at Radio Shack
OK, so that's my view on summer. If you've ever felt the salty sting of perspiration drip into your eyeball as you weed a garden or push a lawn mower or sit through an endless baseball game and wondered, "Why I am in this unceasing hell?", know that there is at least one kindred spirit out here in the world.
And if you seriously like summer, well, there's something wrong with you.
No matter how you feel about summer, still try to be good to one another.
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