Broken News for June 6, 2014

Hi there! Dave-El here and welcome to my blog, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the sweet doughnut on the pastry shelf that is the internet.  

And today is (or was, depending on where in the time stream you are right now) National Doughnut Day!!

Consider that last month, the first Saturday in May was Free Comic Book Day which entices innocents with the promise of free comics to get hooked on this stuff.  Now we have a day for free doughnuts and quite frankly I'm seeing a trend here. We're all gonna wind up like those blubber people on the space ship in Wall-E, hooked on comic books and glazed doughnuts. 


I have to admit it's hard to beat a nice, soft, warm, freshly baked Krispy Kreme do09aujht8M%... 

Whoops, sorry, drooled on the keyboard. 


Hey, it's Friday, that means bROkEN nEWs is ready to launch in 5...

4...

3...

2...

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#BrokenNews "EPA To Propose 30 Percent Cut In Carbon Emissions " Most of that will come from cutting back on political speeches. 


#BrokenNews "N.S.A. Collecting Millions Of Faces From Online Images" It's for an art project, honest! They're building a collage for the 4th of July. 


#BrokenNews "NRA Sorry For Fleeting Moment Of Rational Thought" The NRA apologizes for any inconvenience; thank you for your patience as normal batshit crazy resumes.  


#BrokenNews "Republicans 'Suspicious' Of White House Claims Bowe Bergdahl Was In Danger" "Bergdahl" begins with a "B" and has 8 letters. "Benghazi" begins with a "B" and has 8 letters. Oh hell yeah there's something fishy going on!  


The release of Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, a POW held in Afghanistan, has generated no small amount of controversy due to the trade off of 5 Taliban detainees held at Gitmo, the mysterious circumstances of how Bergdahl may have wound up in the company of the Taliban in the first place and the fact Obama was involved so it must be something EVIL.



So this brings us to another debate between Fox News and bROkEN nEWs we like to call...



Point/Counter Shut the Fuck Up! Point



Fox, since you won the coin toss, you will make the opening statement.  

Fox News:  WE DON’T MAKE DEALS WITH TERRORISTS!

 

bROkEN nEWs : I understand but what about the principle of “We don’t leave a man behind.” Doesn’t…

Fox News:  WE DON’T MAKE DEALS WITH TERRORISTS!

 

bROkEN nEWs : Yes, but don’t we have a duty to bring home an American citizen….

 

Fox News:  WE DON’T MAKE DEALS WITH TERRORISTS!

 

bROkEN nEWs : And the detainees at Gitmo were going to be released anyway so why not leverage…

Fox News:  WE DON’T MAKE DEALS WITH TERRORISTS!

 

bROkEN nEWs : So you keep saying. Look, I know there are concerns with how Bowe Bergdahl wound up with the Taliban…

Fox News:  WE DON’T MAKE DEALS WITH TERRORISTS!

 

bROkEN nEWs : Yes, but on the point of possibly complicity of Bergdahl himself in the matter of his capture, we should…

Fox News:  WE DON’T MAKE DEALS WITH TERRORISTS!

 

bROkEN nEWs : Can’t you say anything else?

 

Fox News:  WE DON’T MAKE DEALS WITH TERRORISTS!

 

bROkEN nEWs : Would like a slice of pie?

 

Fox News:  WE DON’T MAKE DEALS WITH TERRORISTS!

 

bROkEN nEWs : Yeah, I thought so. OK, this has been...

Point/Counter Shut the Fuck Up! Point.

 

Fox News:  WE DON’T MAKE DEALS WITH TERRORISTS!

 

bROkEN nEWs : Now back to the headlines.

 

Fox News:  WE DON’T MAKE DEALS WITH TERRORISTS!

#BrokenNews "Univision Anchor Butts Heads With Bill O'Reilly" I was disappointed to learn no literal head butting was involved.


#BrokenNews "GOP Establishment Strikes Back" Oh shit! They're rebuilding the Death Star! 


#BrokenNews "NSA Stonewalls When Pressed To Come Clean On 'Backdoor Searches'" I was hoping 'backdoor searches' doesn't mean what I think it means but I just got a note from the NSA recommending a good proctologist.  


#BrokenNews "World Leaders Freeze Putin Out" They won't let him play any reindeer games.*

*What the...? A Christmas joke in June? Hey, there's ONLY 191 shopping days until Christmas! Start buying stuff NOW! 


Hey, here's a guy we haven't seen on 
bROkEN nEWs for a few weeks. Give it up, y'all, for... The COUNT!!

Greeting, boys and girls!
Welcome to bROkEN nEWs tHaT cOUnTs
and I am the Count and I love to count BLAH!
Kids, the Count is not a young Count anymore. 
As I get older, I get all sorts of pains, 
such as the one in my neck.
I get that from Mrs. Count. BLAH!
Anyway, here are six... ooh boy,
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6!...SIX foods you can eat
that can fight pain. (Like the pain I'm going to feel when Mrs. Count hears about that "joke". BLAH!)

6 Foods That Fight Pain

1. Vicodin Vegetable Stew
2. Advil Avocado Dip
3. Parmesan Crusted Percocet 
4. Mango Midol Smoothie 
5. Tylenol Tetrazzini 
6. Morphine Meatloaf  

#BrokenNews "Nobody Wants To Host The Olympics" They always leave a big mess and run up your phone bill. 

#BrokenNews "Hubble Telescope Captures Amazing Shot Of 10,000 Galaxies" Except there's that one galaxy picking it's nose. 

#BrokenNews "What Happens When Women See Their Vaginas For The First Time" Well...uh...that is...er....

bROkEN nEWs must apologize but damn, my mind is seriously blown. Women, you have this portal into your body where so much... well, you know, stuff goes on. Important stuff! Geez, you have vagina doctors (you call them gynecologists); men don't have penis doctors. Men can see their penis. He becomes our friend. (yes, "he", not "it".) We have names for him; granted, 83% of those names is "Willie". But we can see him. OK, mostly. Later, we become older and fatter and we don't see him as much as we use to or would like, kind of like our drinking buddy from college. But you can't see your own vagina. Of course that's obvious but also freaking mind blowing. 

bROkEN nEWs has to go lie down for awhile. Here, have some pictures. 

Back to the headlines, OK? 

#BrokenNews "There Will Be No Escaping Hillary Clinton This Month" "Shit, there goes my Vegas getaway plans," says Bill Clinton.  

#BrokenNews "Reince Priebus Has A Very Odd Clinton Theory" Isn't using "Reince Priebus" and "odd" in the same sentence a bit redundant?  


#BrokenNews "Shocker! Egypt's Strongman Wins 'Election' In Landslide" I hope he remembered to thank God, the support of the Egyptian people and all those "election volunteers" with the uniforms and guns.  

Speaking of democracy in action...

#BrokenNews "Assad Wins Syria's Presidential 'Election'" You gotta admit, his "Vote For Me Or I'll Kill You" platform was very effective.  


#BrokenNews "Another Country's Nuclear Waste May Be Headed To South Carolina" If you're concerned that all that radioactive waste could turn the people of South Carolina into blithering, easily angered, frequently confused idiots, let me assure you that's not an issue, if you know what I mean. 

If you're from South Carolina, you probably don't.  

OK, I'm being a bit harsh on South Carolina but I grew up in a small town right on the North Carolina - South Carolina border. Every Friday night, people in South Carolina would throw sticks of dynamite across the state line at us in North Carolina. 

Then we would light them and throw them back. 


#BrokenNews "GOP Senate Candidate Acknowledges Climate Change Is Real" Now he sits all alone in the GOP lunchroom. 

Wait! What? There's a GOP lunchroom?! Stop asking questions, just keep moving...

#BrokenNews "3 New Ways The Koch Brothers Are Screwing America" You probably won't notice it very much due to the Koch Brothers' itsy bitsy teeny tiny dicks.  


#BrokenNews "Pope Francis Shakes Up The Vatican Again" The Pope's cranking up his AC/DC record collection way too loud again.  

#BrokenNews "'Brady Bunch' Star Ann B. Davis Dies At 88" With Alice gone, Carol Brady stares helplessly at the washing machine then begins to cry.  

#BrokenNews "Justin Bieber Apologizes For Racist Joke" OK, that's one down, Justin; just 13,457 more apologies to go for all the other stupid shit you've done.  

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OK, that's it for bROkEN nEWs this week. It's a shame it has to end. I was having a lot of fun with this week's installment. I wish we could spend even more time together and...

Yeah, I think we're done here. 

Be good to one another. 

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Saturday on the blog: 

Put THAT On a T-Shirt  

And on Sunday: 

Doctor Who Weekend   

Fox News:  WE DON’T MAKE DEALS WITH TERRORISTS!

Enough already!