Hi there! Dave-El here and welcome to my blog, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the sweet doughnut on the pastry shelf that is the internet.
And today is (or was, depending on where in the time stream you are right now) National Doughnut Day!!
Consider that last month, the first Saturday in May was Free Comic Book Day which entices innocents with the promise of free comics to get hooked on this stuff. Now we have a day for free doughnuts and quite frankly I'm seeing a trend here. We're all gonna wind up like those blubber people on the space ship in Wall-E, hooked on comic books and glazed doughnuts.
I have to admit it's hard to beat a nice, soft, warm, freshly baked Krispy Kreme do09aujht8M%...
Whoops, sorry, drooled on the keyboard.
Hey, it's Friday, that means bROkEN nEWs is ready to launch in 5...
#BrokenNews "EPA To Propose 30 Percent Cut In Carbon Emissions " Most of that will come from cutting back on political speeches.
#BrokenNews "N.S.A. Collecting Millions Of Faces From Online Images" It's for an art project, honest! They're building a collage for the 4th of July.
#BrokenNews "NRA Sorry For Fleeting Moment Of Rational Thought" The NRA apologizes for any inconvenience; thank you for your patience as normal batshit crazy resumes.
#BrokenNews "Republicans 'Suspicious' Of White House Claims Bowe Bergdahl Was In Danger" "Bergdahl" begins with a "B" and has 8 letters. "Benghazi" begins with a "B" and has 8 letters. Oh hell yeah there's something fishy going on!
The release of Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, a POW held in Afghanistan, has generated no small amount of controversy due to the trade off of 5 Taliban detainees held at Gitmo, the mysterious circumstances of how Bergdahl may have wound up in the company of the Taliban in the first place and the fact Obama was involved so it must be something EVIL.
So this brings us to another debate between Fox News and bROkEN nEWs we like to call...
Point/Counter Shut the Fuck Up! Point
Fox, since you won the coin toss, you will make the opening statement.
#BrokenNews "GOP Establishment Strikes Back" Oh shit! They're rebuilding the Death Star!
#BrokenNews "NSA Stonewalls When Pressed To Come Clean On 'Backdoor Searches'" I was hoping 'backdoor searches' doesn't mean what I think it means but I just got a note from the NSA recommending a good proctologist.
#BrokenNews "World Leaders Freeze Putin Out" They won't let him play any reindeer games.*
*What the...? A Christmas joke in June? Hey, there's ONLY 191 shopping days until Christmas! Start buying stuff NOW!
Hey, here's a guy we haven't seen on
bROkEN nEWs for a few weeks. Give it up, y'all, for... The COUNT!!
- Vicodin Vegetable Stew
- Advil Avocado Dip
- Parmesan Crusted Percocet
- Mango Midol Smoothie
- Tylenol Tetrazzini
- Morphine Meatloaf
#BrokenNews "Nobody Wants To Host The Olympics" They always leave a big mess and run up your phone bill.
#BrokenNews "There Will Be No Escaping Hillary Clinton This Month" "Shit, there goes my Vegas getaway plans," says Bill Clinton.
#BrokenNews "Shocker! Egypt's Strongman Wins 'Election' In Landslide" I hope he remembered to thank God, the support of the Egyptian people and all those "election volunteers" with the uniforms and guns.
Speaking of democracy in action...
#BrokenNews "Assad Wins Syria's Presidential 'Election'" You gotta admit, his "Vote For Me Or I'll Kill You" platform was very effective.
#BrokenNews "Another Country's Nuclear Waste May Be Headed To South Carolina" If you're concerned that all that radioactive waste could turn the people of South Carolina into blithering, easily angered, frequently confused idiots, let me assure you that's not an issue, if you know what I mean.
If you're from South Carolina, you probably don't.
OK, I'm being a bit harsh on South Carolina but I grew up in a small town right on the North Carolina - South Carolina border. Every Friday night, people in South Carolina would throw sticks of dynamite across the state line at us in North Carolina.
Then we would light them and throw them back.
#BrokenNews "GOP Senate Candidate Acknowledges Climate Change Is Real" Now he sits all alone in the GOP lunchroom.
Wait! What? There's a GOP lunchroom?! Stop asking questions, just keep moving...
#BrokenNews "3 New Ways The Koch Brothers Are Screwing America" You probably won't notice it very much due to the Koch Brothers' itsy bitsy teeny tiny dicks.
#BrokenNews "Pope Francis Shakes Up The Vatican Again" The Pope's cranking up his AC/DC record collection way too loud again.
Fox News: WE DON’T MAKE DEALS WITH TERRORISTS!