Broken News (On a Break) For Friday, June 27, 2014

Hi there! I’m Dave-El and this is I’m So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that says a woman is to blame but knows it's its own damn fault.

 

Today is Friday and that means we’re up for a new edition of….

 

"On a break"? 

 

OK, not so new then.

 

But as the summer sun beats to blister your brain down to the size of a raisin, let’s take a look back to the cooler time of the first two months of 2014 when the bitter cold of the polar vortex was freeze drying your brain down to the size of a raisin.

 

It just goes to show, hot or cold, there’s always something out there trying to shrivel our brains. Which explains SO much, doesn't it? 

 

Let’s do them bROkEN nEWs classic headlines...

In 5…

4…

3…

2…

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January 3, 2014

 

 #BrokenNews "Will John Kerry Run For President Again?" If for no other reason than to make Hillary Clinton look positively more "funky" in comparison.

 

#BrokenNews "Top Republican Can't Deal With Benghazi Reality" That sentence would still make sense even without the word "Benghazi".

 

#BrokenNews "France To Impose Unbelievably High Tax On The Rich" After French lawmakers were unable to figure out how to tax snootiness.

 

January 10, 2014

 

#BrokenNews "Liz Cheney drops out of Senate race in Wyoming" She was running out of family members to ostracize. 

#BrokenNews "Sex offender blocked from taking bar exam" Lawyers react with alarm: "Wait a minute! We have standards now?"

 

#BrokenNews “300 Lbs. Of Cocaine Discovered In Supermarket Banana Boxes” Somewhere a Wall Street stockbroker’s trying to snort a banana.

 

January 17, 2014

 

#BrokenNews "Accenture new lead contractor on Obamacare site" First thing they did was plug the computer in.

 

#BrokenNews"New Obamacare Numbers Released" Those numbers are 16 - 57 - 32 - 14 - 63 - 7. Congratulations! If these are YOUR numbers, you get health care! 

 

#BrokenNews "Ted Cruz Delivers Huge Slap In The Face To House GOP Leaders" Sadly, Ted doesn't understand the concept of a "metaphor" so he went over to the House and actually slapped them. 

 

 

January 24, 2014

 

#Broken News "Liz Cheney's Big Mistake" Failing to understand that some women just don't care for Dick. (Cheney, that is. What were YOU thinking?)

 

#BrokenNews "Man Might Choose Mars Trip Over Family" A lot of men in America look at that and say, "Wow! I did not know that was an option!"

#Broken News "Lindsay Lohan Announces Surprise Film" Surprise! It's NOT a porno!

 

February 7, 2014

 

#BrokenNews "State Department Official Said 'F*ck The EU' In Leaked Call" State Department later clarified the office said "f*ck the emu" which actually only leads to a whole series of disturbing questions.

 

#BrokenNews  "Senate Passes Farm Bill Slashing Food Stamps" It's OK to GROW food, not so much to EAT it. 

 

#BrokenNews “Rep. Leaving Congress Amid Ethics Questions” Which is pretty much standard procedure for leaving Congress.

 

February 14, 2014

 

#BrokenNews "Rand Paul Warns Texas Could Turn Blue" If Texas keeps holding its breath like that, sure!

 

#BrokenNews “Oldest Known Star In 

The Universe Discovered” It keeps yelling at 

the other stars to stay off its lawn.

 

#BrokenNews "Michelle Obama Offers Advice For Justin Bieber's Mom" The First Lady counsels love, understanding, a few solid whacks upside the little fucker's head and compassion. 

 

February 21, 2014

 

#BrokenNews "Longtime Christie Friend Involved In Traffic Scandal" Gov. Christie denies he has any longtime friends. 

 

#BrokenNews "Charlie Sheen Engaged To A Porn Star" If you've ever wondered how much a lower a porn star can go, now you know.

 

#BrokenNews "101-Year-Old Is Running For Congress" Well, not running very fast I imagine.

 

February 28, 2014

 

#BrokenNews "Founder Of World's Largest Megachurch Convicted Of Embezzlement" He seeks your forgiveness for being caught.

 

#BrokenNews “Hagel: U.S. Military Must Shrink To Face 'More Volatile' World” Then the Defense Secretary unveiled his Super Duper Shrink Ray!

 

#BrokenNews "1 Gender Remarkably Absent From Conservative Conference Speakers" 1 gender missing? Who could it be? No, let me guess! Let me guess! Uh...I got this! I got this! Uh...no, I'm stumped.

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And that's that for this week's bROkEN nEWs. If the jokes weren't funnier this time, well, you're probably just not trying hard enough. 

Next Friday is July 4th and bROkEN nEWs will present a special edition to celebrate the birthday of our great nation, Oosa!*

*What most people refer to as the U.S.A.

And then on July 11th, we're back with ALL NEW bROkEN nEWs, baby! So world, no funny business until we get back, OK?

Y'all be good to one another!

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Saturday: 
Doctor Who Weekend

Sunday: 
The subject of forgiveness and can we have it on our own terms. (This from the mind of bROkEN nEWs? Yes, it's true!) 

Monday: 
"Enter the Batman" An artistic creation of questionable merit from yours truly.