Errers and Misstakes

There are few things more frustrating to me than to write something, review it, make corrections, review it again, decide it looks OK and then commit to the written communication in question only to find out later....minutes, hours, days, weeks later...that I missed a blatant error or two or ten, YES, TEN! 

What the hell? Am I totally f**king blind or something? How can I review something (several times, even!) and miss not just minor errors but some terribly obvious ones? 

For example, this blog post I posted on Monday on my conquest of the broken toilet lever had at least these grammatical goof ups.  

"I pushed down on the lever to flush toilet"

One of the frustratingly bad habits I have in writing is leaving off articles. Sentences like, "I looked in fridge for banana" instead of "I looked in the fridge for a banana" pop up with irritatingly regularity in my writing. It's particularly irksome when I know damn well there are no bananas in fridge...THE fridge, dammit!  

"I tried again and this time heard an slight but still very distinctive "crack" come from inside the tank." 

One of the most basic rules of English grammar is that "a" is used in front of a word beginning with a consonant and "an" is used in front of a word beginning with a vowel. "I'm looking for a banana" or "I'm looking for an apple". I have no idea why I wrote "an" in front of "slight". Maybe its due to a potassium deficiency due to a lack of bananas.  

"it would not only cost me money but also what little is left of manhood and/or dignity."

The assumption is that this is going to cost what little is left of my manhood and/or dignity. But the crucial word of "my" is missing which means I've condemned all the men of Earth to have little manhood and/or dignity. And, although not explicitly stated, very few bananas.  

"he would say those words that would hit my like a fist of ice to my stomach" 

Would hit my....what? I'm not sure but I may have been thinking I was going to write "hit my stomach like a fist of ice" but then I elected to end the sentence with "to my stomach" and after that, I no f**king idea where I was going. I could really use a banana right now.   

"I was determined that I would in fact fixed this"

OK, what I was trying to do here was affirm in the present what I will accomplish in the future which from that perspective would be in the past. Got that? No? Good because that's total bulls**t. Referencing a future event in past tense is just wrong on so many levels, like a banana in your left ear. (A banana in your right ear is perfectly fine.)   

So moving forward, please be assured humble reader that I'm not a total moron when it comes to grammar. I may be 70%, 75% moron on the subject of grammar, just not a total moron.  

I'm glad we're clear on that. 

And I'm so glad my suffering amuses you. 

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