Dave-El here and as I post this, the year 2015 is about 10 hours old and so far, I have to say 2015 sucks! 2015 has not delivered on any of my dreams and aspirations.
- I am still not incredibly wealthy. I'm not talking about an extra hundred or thousand in the bank. I'm talking about being 1% of the 1% wealthy. I'm talking about having enough money that the amount of my wealth is almost magical. I'm talking Koch Brothers type of wealth. 2015 has not delivered any significant increase to my financial largesse whatsoever.
- I still need to lose weight. C'mon, 10 hours into 2015 and I haven't lost a single pound. What's the point of making resolutions to get into better shape and better health if I'm not going to see any results from any of my efforts. 2015 is to date a depressing failure so I might as well as give in and settle down on the sofa with a quart of mint chocolate chip Häagen-Dazs and see what's happening on the Lifetime Movie Network.
- My goals to reduce clutter and streamline my life remain unfulfilled. 2015 was going to be different but I'm not seeing any changes. There's still too much stuff and junk everywhere. What's it going to take to get control of this mess? I'm just under half a day into 2015 and I don't think this situation is within my control.
- I'm still not best buds with Jimmy Fallon, John Oliver, Stephen Colbert, Keenan Thompson or <insert anyone else's name here>. I'm a fun guy, I'm a smart guy. C'mon, dammit! I thought 2015 would be the year, guys! We could be bros, yo! Why hasn't that happened yet?
- I'm still not in a fun, slightly flirtatious relationship with Tina Fey, Zooey Deschanel, Amy Adams, Zoe Saldana or that hot brunette in the red mini dress I saw at Bed, Bath and Beyond last week. I am very cute and charming and I'll make you laugh. So what's taking so long? What more do I need to do?
- And please note that I said our relationship would be "slightly flirtatious". I'm being realistic here; 2015 is only 10 hours old as I post this. I know that it's too early to expect any kind of sexual relationship. These things take time; I'm perfect willing to give that part of our relationship until, what, around 6:00 PM? Yeah, 6 is good.
But yeah, 2015 is a disappointment. And that's not even dealing with the people who died this morning that I wish had not died and those people who have not died who are hanging around to vext me.
And where the hell is my cinnamon spice pumpkin muffin and my mimosa?
So I ready to say screw 2015 and bring on 2016 already.
Yeah and I'm so glad my suffering amuses you.