Monday, January 12, 2015

Little Victories

The time was 3:00 AM so this makes this really, really late Saturday night or really, really early Sunday morning. I got up to go to the bathroom because at my age, that's what you do at 3:00 AM. Anyway, so when I was through, I pushed down on the lever to flush the toilet and I felt a bit of resistance in the lever. I tried again and this time heard a slight but still very distinctive "crack" come from inside the tank. 

So I lifted up the lid and the thing that connects the handle to the chain that pulls up the stopper thing had snapped right in two. 

And my heart sank. Because I knew there were two alternatives: 

  • I was going to have to fix this.
  • I was going to have to call for help. 

Beyond knowing where the water shut off valve is and knowing how to work a plunger, I have no real working knowledge of the plumbing sciences and/or arts. 

Yet I knew if I called in for help to replace what amounted to a broken stick, it would not only cost me money but also what little is left of my manhood and/or dignity. Surely this person would look at me with a mixture of pity and disgust that such a stupid person shares this planet with him. And then he would say those words that would hit me like a fist of ice to my stomach: "This is actually very easy." 

I was determined that I would in fact fix this. 

So I did what every lost nerd-soul does these days: I turned to the internet. 

And lo and behold I found a very easy to follow step by step process to fix my toilet. The broken part looked like my broken part; the toilet tank looked like my toilet tank. And the steps to replace the broken part with a less broken part seemed...easy? 

Oh God! Dave-El, do not say this looks easy! That will put a curse on this for sure. 

Well I wasn't fixing this at 3:00 AM so I put a note by the toilet for the rest of the family to use the other bathroom and I went back to bed.  

Eventually I fell back to sleep where my dreams were filled with roaring rivers as I was trapped on a small boat tossed to and fro. My only means of controlling the boat was a small white lever that wasn't working. Somewhere a voice shouted to me, "C'mon, what's the problem? This is actually very easy, you moron! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"   

I awoke with a start and was relieved to see the time was after 8:00 AM.  Home Depot would be open. So off I went. 

Except I had to pee real bad first. Well, dreaming of roaring rivers and what not...yeah, that'll mess you up. 

So I drove through the crisp cool of the early Sunday morning and made my way to Home Depot. It was kind of weird, being outnumbered by all the orange vests. Eventually (and without employing a compass or a GPS) I found my way to plumbing and I could not believe what I saw: replacement parts for the broken toilet thingy that looked exactly what the internet how-to site had posted. 

Could this be...easy? 

SHUT UP, DAVE-EL! You are going to JINX this for DAMN sure!! 

Except I didn't.  

The old lever came out and the new new lever with its connecting rod slipped in like it was supposed to. I screwed on the little cap thing to hold it in place. And I hooked the flapper chain to the new rod. 

Anxiously I gave the lever a try. And the toilet worked perfectly. 

DO YOU HEAR ME? THE TOILET! WORKED! PERFECTLY!!! 

Whew. 

So for now I bask in the glow of my triumph. Yeah, you might think this is no big deal but my history at these "no big deal" things is not good. So please indulge me as I revel in one of the small victories that makes life worthwhile. 

And I'm so glad my suffering amuses you. 

Be good to one another. 

Dave-El

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