A brand new adventure of the Doctor and Clara will be coming around tomorrow! Yep, we're so close now!
But if you honestly cannot wait ONE MORE MINUTE for a new Doctor Who story, here's this:
Scene opens: Exterior, a fast food restaurant in America, way too colorful, way too bright.
Scene change: Interior of the fast food restaurant. Lots of patrons at tables, others in lines at the counter. We follow one of those lines to the front as we see someone walking away from the counter. We hear a woman's voice.
Woman: I can help the next customer please!
The man at the front advances and we see the woman behind the counter.
Clara Oswald: Hi! Welcome to McDaffy's! May I take your order?
As the customer begins to place his order, our view pulls past Clara to the activity in the kitchen behind her. Among the variety of people scurrying around, the thin man with the silver hair and the angry eye brows tends to stand out. He seems quite absorbed in the workings of one of the deep fryers. A black woman with a name tag that identifies her name as "Rochelle" and her title as "shift manager" approaches.
Rochelle: Hey, scarecrow!
The Doctor: Huh? Oh! Sorry! Name's Smith. John Smith.
Rochelle: I don't care if your name's Donald Trump! I told you to drop a half dozen McDaffy Fish Fritters and two dozen Chicken Chunks!
The Doctor: I was just noticing your deep fryer! I could modify it to improve efficiency by 27 percent!
Rochelle: I'm gonna modify your head if you don't drop those fritters and chunks right now!
The Doctor: Yes, ma'am.
The Doctor begins opening packages and dropping the frozen food objects into wire racks.
Rochelle: Can't believe the temp agency sent me someone from England!
The Doctor: Gallifrey, actually.
Rochelle: Gallifrey? Where's that?
The Doctor: Er, Scotland.
The Doctor lowers the wire racks into the boiling oil of the deep fryer.
The Doctor: We're really good at fryin' things in Scotland.
Rochelle: I'm not seeing much frying so far! I can't believe both one of my cashiers AND my best fry cook won the lottery at the same time!
The Doctor: Yeah, weird.
Rochelle: I didn't even know they were playing the lottery!
The Doctor: Go figure.
Rochelle: At least that girl the agency sent over with you seems to be working out all right.
Our view moves back to the counter where Clara completes an order.
Clara: With the McDaffy McChoco Frozen Blast, that comes to $13.95. Anything else I can do for you today?
The customer wearing a black Superman t-shirt hands her a five and a ten.
Steve: My name's Steve.
Clara (taking the money): Hi, Steve.
Steve: You're new?
Steve: Yeah. Well, uh, wow! Um...here.
Steve hands Clara a card.
Steve: I know this is, like, really strange and I don't want to seem creepy or something but...here's my number.
Clara tentatively takes the card.
Steve: You know, to, er, call me. If you want.
Clara (smiling): Here's your change, Steve.
Steve: No, no, keep the change. Uh, nice talking to you.
Clara: You're forgetting your food.
Steve: Food? Oh, right! Food!
Steve picks up his tray.
Steve: Sorry. Er, thanks.
Clara (waving and smiling): 'Bye, Steve.
As Steve awkwardly leaves, Clara drops Steve's card in a small box underneath the counter with all the other cards and pieces of paper with all the phone numbers Clara's been given today.
Clara: I can help the next customer please!
Back in the kitchen, the Doctor is covertly (as much as the Doctor can be convert about anything) scanning with his sonic screwdriver. Suddenly, the Doctor hears a beeping sound. He holds the screwdriver up to his ear.
The Doctor: Hmmm! Not coming from the sonic....Oh! Fries are done!
Rochelle (voice): Hey, scarecrow! Fries are done!
The Doctor: I'm on it!
As the Doctor removes the fries from the fryer, he hears a "Psst!" sound behind him. He turns towards the sound.
The Doctor: Clara, I'm busy! I've got to get these fries out, grill some McDaffy Buster Burgers and find the source of the alien incursion!
Clara: How much longer is this going to take? All this grease is not good for my hair and I've gotten the phone numbers of 37 men, 2 of which included marriage proposals!
The Doctor: Really? Marriage proposals? Why would they do that?
The Doctor: Look! I've tracked Zygon activity to this restaurant and I've got to get up close if I've going to figure out who's a Zygon!
Clara: What would a Zygon being doing here in this place?
The Doctor: Don't know. Particularly busy restaurant, lots of food...well, food-like substance going out to a lot of people. Possible poisoning? Except I've scanned all the food supplies and I haven't found any anomalies.
Clara: Well, find something quick, I...
Rochelle (voice): Clara! Need you back at the front!
Clara: Really, really, REALLY want to get out of here!
Clara turns and leaves. Then we hear her voice from off camera.
Clara (voice): Hi! Welcome to McDaffy's! May I take your order?
Meanwhile, the Doctor returns to his twin duties of fry cooking and scanning for alien stuff.
The Doctor (muttering): I know Zygons are here! What are they up to? It can't be the food, I've checked for....
The Doctor stops with an expression of dawning realization. Then he slaps his forehead.
The Doctor: I am so stupid! Anomalies! I found NO anomalies at all!
The Doctor moves through the cluttered kitchen to Rochelle.
The Doctor: Rochelle?
Rochelle (irritated): What now?
The Doctor: When was the last food supply delivery?
Rochelle: This morning! And why do you...?
The Doctor whips out his sonic screwdriver.
The Doctor: Because I'm not detecting ANY anomalies at ALL!
Rochelle: What the hell is that damn fool thing? And what are you talking about?
Clara: Doctor, did you find something?
Rochelle: Doctor? Girl, don't be mixed up with this fool!
The Doctor: No anomalies, Clara! Nothing different at all! The Fish Fritters, the Chicken Chunks and the Buster Burgers have no differences between them AT ALL!
Rochelle: What are you talking about?
Clara: They're all the same....stuff?
The Doctor: Exactly! Identical bio-matter laced with Zygon DNA! It molds itself to look, taste and smell like different types of food!
Clara: But why?
Rochelle: But nothing! You two are nothing but trouble! Both of you, get--
Off screen we hear a loud ARRRRRRRGGHHHHHH! and a mixture of screams.
Rochelle: Oh what the damn freaking hell is it....Oh sh-
Rochelle, the Doctor and Clara not to mention everyone else is staring at the hulking red form of a Zygon wearing the tattered remnants of a black Superman t-shirt.
Rochelle: Oh my God! It's an alien!
A lot of patrons and workers run screaming from the restaurant. The Doctor rushes forward, scanning the Zygon with his sonic screwdriver. He checks the readings.
The Doctor: Interesting! Still human inside! But outwardly, a Zygon!
Suddenly, other customers and workers roar in pain and shift shape into Zygons! The Doctor is frantically scanning all of them.
The Doctor: All mutated! Everyone who consumed the affected biomatter!
The Doctor: I'm more interested in how!
Rochelle: All I'm interested in is getting the hell out of here!
But the advance Zygon zombies have moved to either side of the restaurant, blocking escape.
Rochelle: Damn it! Boxed in!
Clara: Not that it would matter! There are Zygons outside...
Clara looks out the window where those who fled from the restaurant have gathered at a presumably safe distance.
Clara: Doctor! There are no Zygons outside!
The Doctor: Wait! What?
The Zygon zombies advance closer.
Clara: There are customers out there who ate food here but they're not Zygons!
The Doctor: Of course! The infected biomatter is the basis for the change but something else....something else in here is triggering the change to take place!
The Zygon zombies are getting dangerously closer as the Doctor scans the light fixtures.
The Doctor: A-ha! A spike in Tholian radiation in the ultraviolet, coming from the light fixtures!
The Doctor sonics the lights which spark and shatter. The Zygon zombies stop mere inches away from the Doctor, Clara and Rochelle.
Rochelle: Oh my sweet Lord!
Clara: They stopped!
The Doctor: The radiation that triggered the mutation was also stimulating their neurons. No radiation, no attack.
Clara: Except that one! Look out!
Rochelle screeches and bolts off to the side. Meanwhile, while the Zygon zombies are standing still, one Zygon is still in motion but stops when the Doctor aims the sonic screwdriver at him.
The Doctor: Stop right there!
Zygon: You bungling fool! Look what you've done!
The Doctor: I suppose what I've done is stopped yet another Zygon invasion of Earth. I imagine that your numbers are quite small.
Zygon: With our scheme in motion, our numbers would have been legion!
The Doctor: Your numbers would have looked like a legion! These were just copies, bad ones at that but enough to make the Zygons appear to be a bigger threat than they actually are!
Zygon: Your interference is for naught! I am a true Zygon and more than a match for-
Suddenly we hear a loud BONG! as the Zygon falls to the floor. Standing behind him is Rochelle with an iron skillet in her hands.
Rochelle: Damn fool alien! I'm the #1 McDaffy's shift manager in this district for 5 quarters in a row! You don't mess with my restaurant!
Clara: Good job, Rochelle!
The Doctor: You have an iron skillet?
Rochelle: Special orders. Also good against punks who try to steal from my place.
Clara: Doctor! Look!
The Zygon zombie who used to be Steve is starting to look like Steve again.
Steve: Oh, my head. Wha...what happened?
The Doctor: Oh look! The humans are reverting back. Oh, I do love a tidy ending.
Time shift: hours later. We see various uniformed people in UNIT gear taking out the still unconscious Zygon and the reverted humans. The Doctor and Clara observe all this while still in their McDaffy's uniforms and paper hats.
The Doctor: It was fortunate that UNIT's North American branch was able to collect our Zygon.
Clara: What about the people who were transformed?
The Doctor: UNIT will want to make sure but I think they'll be fine.
Clara: Good! So we can finally get out of here.
The Doctor and Clara start to remove their paper hats.
Rochelle: Wait! Where do you think you're going?
Clara: Uh, away? Our work here is...
Rochelle: ...just getting started.
Rochelle holds out a broom and a mop.
Rochelle: There's a mess all over this place! Broken glass, no lights, spilled food! This place needs straightening up pronto!
The Doctor: But...
Rochelle: But nothing! And once we're up and running, I'm still short a fry cook and a cashier!
Rochelle places a paper hat back on the Doctor's head and then on Clara's.
Rochelle: So back to work!
Rochelle marches off.
The Doctor and Clara stand there for a moment. Then the Doctor sighs. Clara is not happy.
Clara: No! We're not really going to...
The Doctor: I think we have to. And all because I couldn't let Zygons be bygones.
The Doctor begins sweeping and walks out of view while we're still watching Clara look rather unhappy.
Clara: Oh, I bet he's been waiting all day to say that.
And Clara begins mopping as she walks out of our view.
So when I posted the wrap up to Prisoners of the Daleks this past Sunday, I said I was done with fan-fics for a while. But while prepping posts in advance for this week's Doctor Who theme, I decided it might be fun to post a quick one off story. I hope you enjoyed it.
The countdown continues....just ONE day to go!
*Post amended: As you may have heard by now, it is official: Jenna Coleman is leaving Doctor Who. Yes, change is a constant in Doctor Who but my heart, it is quite sad nonetheless. I'll have more on this in a later post.