Halloween 12: Star Trek: TNG - Sub Rosa

Hi there! 

Today we are 12 days away from Halloween and today's post marks another in a series of posts about weird shit. 

In the spirit of the season, today's post is a ghost story...

IN SPACE!!!!!!!






Our attention turns to Star Trek: The Next Generation, a series that came to be known for intelligent and clever writing as well as strong acting performances. 

Today, we look at an episode that has none of that. 

Dr. Beverly Crusher faces tragedy and grief but also finds herself with a gift, an old and powerful gift that grants her a connection to a long hidden family mystery. 

It also grants her mind blowing orgasms. 

No, I'm not making that up. 

Today, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You turns to the beloved Star Trek: The Next Generation and one of it's most... unusual episodes: 

Sub-Rosa

The Enterprise has delivered Dr. Beverly Crusher to Caldos IV, a colony world we're going to call Space Scotland.  It's made to look like the oldest, dampest parts of Scotland and everyone sounds like they're in a drunken argument between Scrooge McDuck and Malcolm Tucker. 

Beverly's grandmother has died. Gran has left Beverly some stuff include a special candle that when it is lit....

Makes Beverly lit!

A spirit-like entity crawls up inside of Dr. Beverly Crusher and rocks her world. According to gran's diary, she had a 34 year old lover named Ronin which is kind of weird as granny was pushing 100.   

Ronin manifests himself to Beverly and lays down some serious seduction which makes the good doctor wibbly in the knees and gasping for breath.  

Ghost sex in space is SO good! And Beverly is like really into this. She decides having orgasms with a sexy space ghost should be her full time job. 

So she quits her old job as Doctor on the Enterprise to move to Space Scotland and take up her new job of having orgasms. 

Picard is confused. 

Picard: Beverly, what are you doing? 

Crusher: I'm leaving the Enterprise, Jean Luc. 

Picard: What? Come again? 

Crusher: God, I hope so!  

Picard: Wait! I don't understand....

Crusher: I'm trying to get off...

Picard: Yes, you want to beam down to the colony but... 

Crusher: Oh, just fuck off, Jean Luc. 

So Beverly Crusher beams down to Space Scotland, sets up shop in her grandmother's old cottage and gets to work having orgasms. 

Beverly is a very dedicated person to her job. And she loves her job of having orgasms with her space ghost boyfriend, Ronin.  

Nothing will ever tear them apart because they are in love.

I mean, luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvvvvv!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, some shit is going down in the graveyard. Some weird energy thing is going on in Space Scotland so Data and Geordi beam down.

Geordi: The energy readings here on Space Scotland are most unusual.

Data: Almost as unusual as Doctor Crusher's recent departure from the Enterprise.

Geordi: I heard that Captain Picard... caught her....

Data: Caught her? Was she falling? Did she trip? Normally, Doctor Crusher is most agile. 

Geordi: No! I mean, she was... alone and the captain caught her... well, you know.

Data: No, I do not know.

Geordi: She was, you know, alone... with herself... and the captain, you know... caught her...

Data: I do not understand. 

At this moment, to spare us from the potentially most awkward conversation ever on Star Trek, Beverly's dead grandmother rises up out of her grave to zap their asses.

Then dead grandma tells Beverly everything's all chill.



Which leads Dr. Beverly Crusher to an important realization: this is some seriously fucked up shit!



So Beverly zaps the magic candle with a phaser, causing Ronin to fade out with a dramatic...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Which stops all the weird energy shit going down in Space Scotland and throws cold water on Bev's hot jonesing for orgasmic pleasure with spirit beings.



Deanna: Well, that was a close call, Beverly. But I was wondering.... these orgasms... how often did you... you know, experience them?

Beverly: Hold on, I have some numbers here. 

Beverly pulls out a tri-corder and begins punching the keypad.

Beverly: OK, carry the one, multiply by a factor of the square root of Pi and....

Deanna looks over at Will Riker, rolls her eyes in frustration and orders a chocolate sundae.

Oh for God's sake, is this blog post over yet? 

Oh thank God we are done. 

.