How To Tell You're An Adult

I saw this on Twitter recently.  

How to tell you're an adult

• you gain 30lbs overnight

• you'd rather sleep than go out

• everything hurts

• comfort comes before style

• you have a favorite spatula

• everything feels like a chore

• college students look like 12yr olds

• you're always annoyed AF

Well, does this apply to me? Let's take a look.  

• you gain 30lbs overnight
Oh God forbid if I should lose a pound but I can gain a good dozen or so just looking at a doughnut. There was a time in my late teens and early 20s when I was as skinny as a rake and boasted of my incredible weight defying metabolism. I would like to go back in time to that skinny version of me and slap me up side the damn head. "Incredible weight defying metabolism", my ass!

• you'd rather sleep than go out
This one is so true. I come home from work and immediately lie down for a nap. Not a quick nap, mind you, but a good solid sleep that you wake up from and question if reality has shifted around you. Yes, I would rather sleep than go out! Hell, I would rather sleep than go to the living room! 

• everything hurts
My wife Andrea once admonished me that I do not have to saw "Ow" with each step I take. I countered that yes, yes I do because it hurts. And people around me need to know that.

• comfort comes before style
I used to care more if my clothes were color coordinated. Now, do they fit? Good! That's all I care about. As long as they fit, then fuck it: checks do go with plaid! 

• you have a favorite spatula
No but I do have a favorite slotted spoon. 

• everything feels like a chore
There is not any task so simple that it feels like a Herculean effort to get it done. Getting a bottle of water from the fridge? Oh, the turmoil, the struggle. Is the bottle of water near the back of the fridge? Then I might as well die of thirst. As we noted earlier, everything hurts.

• college students look like 12yr olds
My daughter is going to college with children! 

• you're always annoyed AF
"Annoyed as fuck" is my default setting. Why? Because 
everything feels like a chore AND everything hurts! Occasionally I am not annoyed as fuck. For those moments, I am annoyed as slightly less than fuck.  But those moments are rare. Sitting here, writing this blog post? Annoyed as fuck.

OK, I am cranky and in pain.

I am an adult.