Monday, October 7, 2013

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor#12

Hello and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that lights a candle AND curses the darkness.

I'm Dave-El! From time to time, I have to do a blog post that is essentially a commercial for one of my blog's sponsors.  As I've said many times before, presenting a high quality blog doesn't come cheap and neither does the shit I post here.

So advertising is, regrettably, a necessary evil.

Which may be more of an apt turn of phrase when you hear from our latest sponsor.


Scene: a dimly lit room with stone walls. Several shadowy figures move into the room, each clad in blood red robes. This appears to be some sort of sinister cult.

Cultist #1: Gather, my brothers. The moment is upon us. Is the altar prepared?

Cultist #2: Yes, it is.

Cultist #1: And the sacrificial blade?

Cultist #3: Sharp and ready.

Cultist #1: Then light the sacred candles.

Cultist #4: I am lighting the candles now.

Cultist #1: Excellent! For tonight we summon the forces of darkness to (sniff!) to deliver unto us (sniff! sniff!) deliver unto us....what the hell? Spencer?

Cultist #4: What?

Cultist #1: Is that...lavender?

Cultist #2: I was thinking it was more...jasmine?

Cultist #3: Are you sure? I was thinking more of a strawberry or honeysuckle...

Cultist #1: ENOUGH! The point is that we are trying the summon the forcers of darkness and our sacred candles smell like FLOWERS!

Cultist #3: Maybe more in the berry family.

Cultist #1: It doesn't matter! How can the great and terrible powers of evil take us seriously if our sacred candles smell like a woman's powder room?

Cultist #4: Well, what I'm supposed to do? You said get candles for the evil summoning ceremony so I did! It's not like there's...I don't EVIL CANDLE STORE!!

Voice: Oh, but there IS!

All the cultists react with alarm.

Cultist #1: Who? What?

A thin man in a red suit with black hair and goatee steps out.

Man: Hi! I'm Bill Zeebub and I'm here to tell you about the one stop shopping source for all your candle needs when summoning the powers of evil: DAMN YANKEE CANDLE!


All the Cultists: Damn Yankee Candle?

Bill: That's right: Damn Yankee Candle.  With a wide variety of fragrances suitable for any dark and sinister ceremony you might have planned. 

These are not pretty and sweet smelling candles but waxen wonders of hellfire with such terrible scents as.....

Butterscotch Broccoli and Mango Melon Methamphetamine

For Satanic sacrifices in the fall, might I suggest such malevolent aromas as.....

Spicy Apple Chloroform and Autumn Leaves 'n' Dog Poop
Paper Mill Potpourri and Summertime Asparagus Pee

And check out Damn Yankee Candle's newest candle fragrance that's sure to spice up any entreaties to Lucifer himself: \

Cinnamon Testicle Musk

Cultist #1: Wow! Those sound very disgusting and foul! Perfect to appeal to our dark lords and masters!

Cultist #2: But I bet those candles are pretty pricey!

Bill: Oh, no! You can purchase any one of these fine Damn Yankee Candles for the low, low price of your soul.

Cultist #3: What?

Bill: $19.95.

Cultist: Oh.

Bill: And your soul.

Cultist #3: What?

Bill: With free shipping and handling.

A fifth cultist runs in.

Cultist #5: Guys, I'm sorry but the sacrifice ran away!

Cultist #1: Dammit! And that was our last white sacrificial gossamer gown!

Bill: No worries! Damn Yankee Candle is in partnership with Victoria's Deadly Secret! We can help you get new white sacrificial gossamer gowns at a discounted price!

Cultist #2: That's very handy.

Bill: And your soul.

Cultist #2: What?

Bill: Matching veils with each gown.

Cultist #2: Oh.

Cultist #1: You know what? Let's start fresh! And let's do that by getting some really evil smelling candles from....

All the cultists and Bill: DAMN YANKEE CANDLE!

Announcer: Damn Yankee Candles! Available at Target, Walgreens and other fine retail outlets! Also available through!


I'm going to hell for this, aren't I?


Dave-El can also be found on Twitter at where he's riding the sidewalk to heck!

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