Hi there! Dave-El here and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that puts the "giddy" in your "giddy-yap".
It's Friday and that means an ALL NEW installment of bROkEN nEWs. But before we get to the (underwhelmingly) funny headline stuff, I would like to thank today's sponsor!
bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by
Maybe you need health care insurance that you think just might be available through the Affordable Care Act.
But you've tried logging on to the website!
"Dammit! It crashed again? S**t!"
You've tried calling the toll free number!
"Sunuvabitch! Busy signal! Again! Double S**t!"
Well, don't let these minor glitches stop you from getting the health care coverage you deserve and at a price you can afford. Because now there's...
Using a combination of long distance horse riders and stage coaches along with a network of telegraph wires, the information you need to sign up, shop for and purchase health care insurance can be brought right to your door, courtesy of the Affordable Care Act!
"Howdy, ma'am! Here's your health care package!"
"You have an arrow sticking out of you! Were you attacked by Indians?"
"No, ma'am. Tea Party."
And the federal government has telegraph operators standing by at hundreds of outposts around the country.
Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet! Deet!
"OK, that's 'gastrointestinal'."
The technology of the 21st century may be letting you down.
"I'm gonna smash this f**kin' computer with a hammer!"
And the technology of the 20th century isn't doing any better.
"If I hear Herb Albert's Feel So Good ONE MORE F**KIN' TIME! Arrgh!"
So why not give the cutting edge of American know-how of the 19th century a chance? Wherever you need health care coverage, OBAMACARE EXPRESS has hundreds of horses, a fleet of stagecoaches and miles and mile of telegraph wires to get it to you! Get YOUR health care insurance...TODAY!*"
*OK, we're talking horses and telegrams so, no, not today. But we will get there! (We think.)
OK, so let's get this show on the road, people!
bROkEN nEWs starts in...
#BrokenNews “BIG TROUBLE: Dems Could Take Back House” OK but I don't think John Boehner's kept up the mortgage payments.
And the House is not in the best shape, either!
#BrokenNews “Obama Speaks Out About Health Care Website Issues”
The President's remarks are online and… buffering...buffering…
it seems like Obama…
is trying to say...
oh f**k it!
#BrokenNews “Obama Stops To Help Faint Woman Mid-Speech” Obamacare in action! One bored speech attendee at a time!
#BrokenNews “Is There Finally A Team For Tebow?” God replied, “Hey, keep me out of this, OK? I still got to sort out the Cards and the Red Sox for the World Series!"
#BrokenNews “Christie Reverses Course On Gay Marriage” Tea Party wonders if Chris Christie was really born in New Jersey.
#BrokenNews “Mars Rover Confirms Key Theory About Space Rocks” That they’re just not really all that interesting.
And what does the Mars Rover think about that? Let's look into the mind of the Mars Rover with a little segment I like to call....
And speaking of "nothing but rocks"...
#BrokenNews “Fox News Columnist Claims Zombies Are Hurting America” Really? I thought zombies were a significant part of Fox’s key demographic!!
#BrokenNews “Obama: 'Nobody's More Frustrated Than I Am'” He just can’t get past level 275 of Candy Crush, dammit!
Let's take a break and take a look at some of this week's....
bROkEN nEWs IN pICtUREs
We'll have more bROkEN nEWs IN pICtUREs coming up shortly.
Meanwhile, the headlines await!
#BrokenNews “Former Bush Official: We Went Into Iraq Because 'We Were Looking For Somebody's Ass To Kick'” We could’ve saved a lot of lives and money by just sending Cheney and Rumsfeld into a redneck bar.
#BrokenNews “Oil Refinery Waste Polluting Chicago's Low-Income Neighborhoods” Said one resident, “At least (Hack!) we’re not (Cough!) getting shot (Hack! Cough!).”
#BrokenNews “Every Yemen Drone Strike Creates 40 To 60 New U.S. Enemies” Dick Cheney thinks we could get a better return on that investment: “We should be getting closer to 100 new enemies with each drone strike.”
#BrokenNews “Biden Fuels Presidential Speculation With Latest Move” Joe Biden’s been practicing his moves on Dance Dance Revolution.
If you need to get the image of Joe Biden getting down with his bad self out of your mind, let's look at some more....
Ladies and gentlemen, the Ku Klux Klan, your equal opportunity offenders.
I do believe we have a few more headlines so shall we peruse them? Yes, let us peruse!
#BrokenNews “Harsh New Voter Law Could Disenfranchise Many Women” Which is a GOOD thing because women voters do stupid stuff like vote for intelligent, competent people and what‘s the fun in that?!
#BrokenNews “Nigeria Demands An Apology From Ted Cruz” Get in line, Nigeria! Just get in this very, very long line.
|To be honest, I'm not sure if this is the "Demanding an Apology From Ted Cruz" line or the "Demanding an Apology from John Boehner" line.|
#BrokenNews “Prisons To Limit Use Of Pepper Spray On Mentally Ill Inmates” Prisons will make up the difference with increased use of cattle prods.
that's a wrap on this week's bROkEN nEWs!
I want to thank our special guests, the Mars Rover from NASA and Timon from the Disney's The Lion King!
And a big thank you to our sponsor for tonight, OBAMACARE EXPRESS ! Maybe YOU will soon hear the pounding of horse hooves outside your door, followed by those magic words, "Telegram: You have health care!" So forget the website! (Please?) Go with... OBAMACARE EXPRESS !
Tomorrow: Doctor Who Saturday and the big honkin', pedal to the metal, I have no idea where I'm going with this FINALE of...
The Nemesis Who Stole Time!
Until then, be good to one another!
Take us out, Generic 1950's White Guy!