Wednesday, October 30, 2013

It's HALLOWEEN! Prepared To Be....Only Moderately Disturbed

Hi there! Dave-El and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that puts the "twizz" in your Twizzlers.

Tomorrow is Halloween, my daughter's 2nd favorite holiday. Well, at least it's only one day. Her most favorite holiday is Christmas and she starts celebrating that when a certain local radio station begins playing 24 hours of Christmas music on November 1st. (And THAT will be the topic of a future rant when Dave-El becomes Dave-Ebeneezer.) 

But she gets all excited for Halloween, picking out her costume. Oh, she's in it for the candy big time, that's true but that just the bonus that comes with bringing her costume ideas to life. Last year was pretty cool. I actually joined in on the fun as we both dressed in matching black suits, white shirts, black ties and shades and went out as agents for the Men In Black. We had memory zapping flashy things! Every year, she gets more creative with her costume designs. This year she's a Greek goddess which, trust me, really plays into her normal mind set. 

My best costume for Halloween was the stupidest. I was in high school and put together a Robot Samurai Monk.  Working backward, the Monk part was this long brown robe that I had worn for some thing we did at church. The Samurai part was a old plastic sword I had won at a fair. And the Robot part was a Star Wars C3P0 mask. Thus, Robot Samurai Monk was born! It was stupid but it was probably the most fun I ever had at Halloween.

Mostly, I never got into Halloween. I was a total wuss and hated (HATED!) being scared. I remember losing a whole bag of candy to some jackass who set up some kind of dark cloaked thing with a skull head that loomed up out of the bushes with a speaker amplified "BOO-WHA-HA-HA-HA!!!!" and some nasty threat about taking my soul. I lost dozens of Snicker bars and you know? I'm still pissed off about that!

Ironically, we have a dark cloaked figure with a skull head in our living room. When he's plugged in, he spouts off scary nonsense and his skull head glows. I'm not sure how scary he's supposed to be since his skull head glows in rainbow colors. I call him "Steve". It irks my daughter when I call him that. She says his name is "Skeletor". I've tried to explain to her that Skeletor is the name of the villain in He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. I say "I've tried" because I can't get past saying "He-Man" without her giggling. 

But Halloween for me? Meh. I mean, I do try. For example, I own a black cape with a red lining. Sometimes I put that on with my regular clothes. People will comment, "Hey, you're a magician!" or "Are you Dracula?" Nope, I am....Guy With A Cape. OK, one year I decided to go crazy and inverted the cape. That year I was....Guy With a RED Cape. Oh, I do know how to get down!

OK, a few weeks ago, this topic was trending on Twitter:   These were ideas for nicer, not quite as scary horror films. So if you want less "bump" in your "night", here are some options. 

Instead of Dawn of the Dead, watch the more restful Afternoon of the Dead. Aren't zombies less scary on a pleasant, sunny afternoon? Pour some lemonade and invite a zombie up to the front porch just to sit a spell and talk. And speaking of zombies....

Why watch The Evil Dead? Is there a reason why the Dead has to be Evil? No! So perhaps you might want to watch the less frightening The Kind of Just Annoying Dead. And who knows? Maybe that shambling monstrosity of the undead might be a bit less annoying if you just get to know him better.

What about The Hills Have Eyes? Why, how ludicrous is that! Hills don't have eyes! If they did, it would be very unnerving. So explore the more peaceful alternative of The Hills Have Pine Trees. I think everyone agrees pine trees are very nice and make for a more relaxing experience while exploring the eye-free hills.

In the film A Nightmare on Elm Street, a scary killer demon creature attacks and kills people in their sleep! Yikes! Look, I'm having enough trouble sleeping worrying about my property taxes. I sure don't need worry some weirdo with prune skin and sharp claws shredding me to bits while I slumber. I think a more enticing option would be to watch A Daydream on Elm Street ; the scariest thing that could happen there is the bartender runs out of pina colada on the tropical island you've escaped to in the middle of that mid-afternoon meeting.

In The Shining, a writer goes kill crazy on his family! Look, buddy, we've all thought about going there...really, we all have, right? Just me.  Er, then no, no we have not all been there. Anyway, temper that murderous rage with the calming influence of The Glowing. Ah, you feel better already, don't you?

And finally, one of the most gruesome, horrifying, totally disgusting horror films ever made was The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Really, I can't believe any one in their right mind would want to watch someone using their chainsaw for evil. Can't a chainsaw be used for good? Can a chainsaw be used for the Lord's work? It can in The Texas Chainsaw Mass, the story of a good priest who helps the sick and the poor armed only with his faith in God. And a chainsaw.

Well, let's call a wrap on that topic.

I hope YOU have a fun Halloween. Just a word of caution: if your friends are encouraging you to go out Halloween night as Invisible Ninja, you might want to re-think your life choices.

Be good to one another. 

Art by Ricardo Bessa (Kind of fits the spirit of Halloween, you think?)

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