Friday, June 3, 2016

My Commencement Address to the Class of 2016

Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, an internet institution of lower learning. I'm Dave-El and you can't have any pudding if you don't eat your meat.

Today is graduation day for seniors at my daughter's high school and she will be in attendance. No, she's not graduating yet; please don't rush that, OK? But her high school chorus will be performing at the ceremony, a choral tribute to the music of Ariana Grande

I don't know who the commencement speaker is going to be but I, as a prolific pontificator of prodigious proportions, am prepared to speak if called upon. I will be in the neighborhood when I drop off Miranda at the coliseum where the graduation is being held.

So just to make sure I'm ready to go, let me put together this...

 My Commencement Address to the Class of 2016

To the high school graduating class of 2016, to your principal, teachers, parents, family, friends and probation officers, I am honored to be here with you on this most special occasion. 

To be honest, I'm grateful to be anywhere on any occasion. I don't really have a full social calendar.  By the way, I was promised there would be food.


As I look out over this group of young men and women, I know that some of you will accomplish great things. You will be doers and thinkers, you will make this world a better place. And we're never going to see your ass at any high school reunions because you're blowing this shithole town forever, aren't ya? You stuck up bastards, who needs you? Unless you do make the world a better place and get rich doing it, then you're our best buddies in the whole wide world.  

Others here will wind up in prison. Possibly for crimes you will commit in a drunken rage at the post graduating kegger at Steve's parents' pool house later tonight. Shit! Sorry, Steve. Didn't mean to queer the deal.  

Anyway, prison. An institution that does bad things to people who have done bad things to other people. Oh wait! I'm talking about politics. My bad! So if you really screw up, you could wind up in politics instead of prison.  

Either way, prison or politics, someone's getting fucked in the ass.  

Graduates of the class of 2016, you face a new and ever changing world that the last 13 years of education have done fuck all to prepare you for. The world is getting hotter and the polar ice caps are melting and soon you'll be scrambling to hold to a tiny shrinking land mass that barely has room for you and a penguin. Maybe long division will save your ass then. You never know.  

But about the world getting hotter? Speaking for the generations that came before you, I would say I'm sorry about that except we're expecting to be dead before this becomes a really bad problem. Later when the Earth is covered in melted iceberg water and you're drinking your own piss to stay alive, I hope you appreciate that those that came before you did the least they could do.  

Of course that's assuming you survive the constant tornadoes as well as the earth itself being fracked apart as well as plagues of locusts....OK, I really don't know about the locusts but in the world that's awaiting you might as well figure its a strong possibility. So when the locusts do come, really large, hairy mutant locusts that snatch up full grown penguins, you can say, "Locusts, huh? Hell, why not?" Then you raise a glass of fresh piss and say a toast in honor of the locusts. 

I realize I've mentioned penguins twice. I'm not sure why I've focused on penguins like that. Oh, but it does remind me to remind you not to do drugs. Drugs are bad. For people and for penguins. 

Shit, penguins again? 

Where was I? Oh yeah...

Graduating class of 2016, you may find yourself worried about facing tomorrow. Well, fuck tomorrow because tomorrow is always a day away, tomorrow becomes today and why do today what you can put off until tomorrow and today becomes yesterday and yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, I ran so far away and I couldn't get away and then next thing you know? Penguins.  

I mean it: drugs are bad. 

So to the high school seniors of the class of 2016, let me assure you that it's all downhill from here. But hey, you're graduating today. So...there's  that.

Thank you, good luck and don't forget to have your penguin spade or neutered.

Oh, and I'm so glad my suffering amuses you. Free plug for the blog.


NOTE: Neither Ariana Grande nor penguins were harmed during the writing of this post. 

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