- That whole bit with the citizens of Akhaten calling the Doctor "Leopold" over and over? That was a riff on an old Bugs Bunny cartoon.
- River's reference to the Macarena being played at Amy and Rory's wedding reception? You may recall from The Girl Who Waited when Past Amy and Future Amy sync up by both recalling dancing to the Macarena. So that's where that came from.
Cybermania
by David Long
Episode Four
Scene opens: an vast glowing entertainment complex on the surface of an alien planet. A graphic identifies this as...
The Maldovarium.
We zoom into a crowded bar with a variety of alien beings on a dance floor with flashing lights and a thumping bass beat. The beat is to YMCA and among the dancers are about a half dozen Cybermen. Dancing and laughing in the middle of all this is Capt. Jack Harkness.
Moving in from the edge of the crowd is Alonzo Frame.
Alonzo: Jack! What are you doing?
Jack (still dancing): Dancing, Alonzo! You know what dancing is, right?
Alonzo: But Jack...
Jack: YMCA, one of the best dance songs from the planet Earth! C'mon! Get out here!
Alonzo: Jack! There are Cybermen here! It's not safe!
Jack: The only danger here is one of these metal hoofers stepping on my feet! Hey, watch it, Twinkle Toes!
Cyberman: Sorry.
Alonzo: Something's wrong here!
Jack: You mean, the Cybermen are partying and dancing and NOT trying to kill us?
Alonzo: Yes! Exactly!
Jack: Alonzo, you're such a buzzkill, you know that? Besides...
Jack pushes back his long coat and we see a metal weapon of some kind in an inner pocket.
Jack: If the Cybermen revert to form, I'm ready!
Alonzo: I still think this isn't a good idea! Maybe you should try to reach the Doctor.
Jack: C'mon, Alonzo! You need to...
Jack pulls Alonzo on the dance floor.
Jack: Lighten up!
Jack, the aliens and the Cyberman are all gesturing the letters to YMCA while Alonzo reluctantly and awkwardly follows along.
Scene change: a clear blue sky on a beautiful day. A helpful graphic tells us we are on...
Planet: Earth... London...
As our view pans down, we see a stand of trees and then we see Kate Stewart and Osgood standing in a park and looking out at something with no small amount of bemusement. Behind them is a contingent of UNIT soldiers.
Kate: Well, Osgood, that's not something you see everyday.
Osgood: I dare say no one's seen anything like this ever before, Ms. Stewart.
Kate: That's kind of the point I was making. So what do you make of this?
Osgood: Having given this some due consideration, my analysis is...
Our view shifts and we see what Kate and Osgood are looking at: a group of Cybermen scampering around a children's playground having fun. At least one of the Cybermen is pretending to be an airplane and is making "Wheeee!" noises.
Osgood: We're seeing Cybermen having fun in a playground.
Kate: I can SEE that, Osgood!
Osgood: Well, you asked what I make of this. What I make of this is... what you see.
Kate: By why is this happening? How?
Osgood: I would speculate some kind of corruption or invasive program in the Cybernet that links all the Cybermen together.
Kate: Speculate?
Osgood: Hey, if you want to know more, you'll need to walk up to one and check.
Kate looks at Osgood. Osgood shakes her head.
Osgood: I'm not doing it.
Kate (sigh): Me neither.
Kate address the UNIT guard.
Kate: Keep a close eye on the Cybermen. If they make even the slightest threatening move....
Cybermen continue to play as the airplane Cyberman runs around and goes "Wheeee!"
Kate: Shoot to kill.
Scene change: a paint brush dabs at a canvas. It is a painting in progress of a seascape. As we pull back, we see the paint brush is being grasped by a metal hand. And we pull back further and we see that metal hand is attached to a Cyberman who is seated at an easel in the dunes overlooking the incoming waves of a sea. A graphic informs us...
Martha: These Cybermen apparently do.
Scene change: a dark city street on an alien world. Graphic, where are we?
Planet: Calisto B
We see a Cyberman walking along. This one is acting like we would expect a Cyberman to act, standing up straight, marching along purposefully. Then the Cyberman approaches three other Cybermen who are sitting on the floor playing with toy cars, marbles, etc.
Cyberman standing: Cybermen! Stand at attention and accept orders!
Cyberman sitting 1: We don't want to.
Cyberman standing: Cyberman! Provide designation.
Cyberman sitting 1: Puttingtame. Ask me again and I'll tell you the same.
Cyberman standing: Cyberman! You are defective!
Cyberman sitting 1: I know you are but what am I?
Cyberman standing: I repeat: you are defective.
Cyberman sitting 1: I am rubber...
Cyberman sitting 2: You are glue...
Cyberman sitting 3: What bounces off me...
All 3 Cybermen: Sticks to you.
Our view moves in closer to the Cyberman standing as we zoom inside the dark orb of the helmet eye hole. Inside the head of the Cyberman is the bridge and crew of the Tesalecta.
Cyberman standing: OK....
Tesalecta captain: That's weird.
Tesalecta crew person: Captain, we are receiving reports from a variety of sectors. Cybermen behaving...well, behaving not at all like Cybermen.
Captain: This is strange but not within the parameters of the Tesalecta mission.
Crew person: Sir?
Captain: For now, the Cybermen are harmless. If they should revert to form, we will make sure they are severely punished for it. Besides, whatever is going on with the Cybermen, I'm sure the Doctor is somewhere on the case.
Scene change: back to the exterior of the Tesalecta Cyberman as it turns and walks away from the playing Cybermen.
Scene change: Daylight, a lush, verdant jungle. All is quiet and still... which is shattered by a blade cutting through the foliage. Wielding the blade is River Song, dressed for jungle exploring, including a pith helmet.
River: Ah, lovely planet here! So green and... well, more green. Where the hell are we, Doctor?
The Doctor (VO from behind River): Chloris! A planet of almost pure vegetation!
River: Do tell.
The Doctor (VO): Yes, in fact, I do tell.
The Doctor pushes forward into view. He's in his usual black suit but instead of a white buttoned up shirt, he's wearing a Guns 'N' Roses t-shirt from their Welcome To the Jungle tour. He's also wearing his sonic sunglasses.
The Doctor: Romana and I visited here...oh, it's been centuries. Are you wearing a pith helmet?
River: We're in a jungle, Doctor. Why are you wearing... that?
The Doctor: We're in a jungle, River.
River: So this planet...
River pushes past some more dense vegetation.
River: Mostly vegetation, you say.
The Doctor: Yes and very little metal. Which means...
The Doctor and River thrust aside some more vegetation.
River: Oh my!
Our view shifts as we see what they see: a shiny silver Cyberman standing in a clearing, glistening in the sunlight. Some of the planet's rampant vegetation is growing over parts of it. The Doctor touches the side of his glasses as he cautiously approaches.
River: Doctor...
The Doctor: I'm scanning the sub-ether. This unit is cut off from the corrupted Cybernet.
River: So this one isn't afflicted with Cybermania?
The Doctor stops, turns towards River and yanks off his glasses.
The Doctor: River! I thought we agreed...
River: No, we didn't!
The Doctor: You don't name things...
River: It's a perfectly good name...
The Doctor: I name things!
River: Cybermania.
The Doctor: No, we're not calling this Cybermania!
River: No, You're not calling it Cybermania!
The Doctor: River...
River: I'm calling it Cybermania. You're just mad because you didn't think of it first.
The Doctor glares at River like he really wants to say something about this but either can't come up with something or decides against saying it. Instead, he puts the sunglasses back on and returns to studying the Cyberman.
The Doctor: So this unit is cut off from the Cyber... whatever. So what's it doing, just standing here, menacingly....
The Doctor reaches out gingerly and brushes aside some of the vegetation from the Cyberman's chest which reveals a note over a red button imbedded in the chest. The Doctor reads aloud the note.
River: Come on! Really?
The Doctor: Oh, for crying out loud...
The Doctor pushes the button. Suddenly the Cyberman emits a faint glow as the Doctor stands back.
River: OK, what's that?
The Doctor: The Cyberman has established a link to the Cybernet. I'm detecting a line of code transmitting to the armor, tripping a...
Suddenly the Cyberman looks like a ghostly version of Mr. Clever.
Mr. Clever: Hello, Doctor!
River: Holographic emitter, nice.
The Doctor: Oh look, it's Mr. Eggbert!
Mr. Clever: That's Mr. Clever, thank you very much! Hi, River Song! Looking pretty darn good for someone's who's supposed to be d-
River (smiling): Spoilers, sweetie!
The Doctor: So what is this all about?
Mr. Clever: This? Believe it or not, Doctor, I just wanted to talk. You know, engage in conversation, have a little pow-wow, indulge in intellectual discourse, freely exchange verbal communication, to...
River: Bore us to death, apparently.
Mr. Clever: Ouch! Good burn, Ms. Song. OK, to be blunt, I was feeling sorry for you, Doctor.
The Doctor: Feeling sorry? For me?
Mr. Clever: Of course! Here you are popping around the universe in your silly blue box trying to reason out why the Cybermen are acting so gosh darn weird and my role in it. And you are so... lacking.
The Doctor: Lacking...
Mr. Clever: In basic information! You really don't know who or what you're dealing with! So I'm here....well, virtually here....you just gotta love holographics... to make things easy for you. I'm hear to tell you...
Mr. Clever raises his holographic arms and yells.
Mr. Clever: THE SECRET ORIGIN OF MR. CLEVER....Clever...Clever...ver...ver....
The Doctor and River: Oh, what a load of...
Mr. Clever: My story began when-
The Doctor: Hold on there a second before I feel compelled to impale my ears with my sonic screwdriver and let me save you some trouble.
Mr. Clever (puzzled): Wha...?
The Doctor: When the Cyber Planner entered my body back on Hedgewick's World, a mental entity was created, an amalgamation of Time Lord and Cyberman. You, Mr. Clever. But when I defeated you and expunged you from my person, you had by that time become a fully self-actualized individual, granted one reduced to a microscopic entity of Cyberman computer code and Time Lord energy.
Mr. Clever: OK, that's an interesting guess but...
The Doctor: After leaving my body, you tried to re-enter the Cybernet but the Cybernet kicked you out.
Mr. Clever: Now, see here...
The Doctor: The great Cyber Planner all mashed up with a Time Lord, the Cybernet saw you as nothing more than a virus infection, a piece of malware and so you were expelled.
Mr. Clever is silent but looks ticked off.
The Doctor: A entity with the self repair protocols of a Cyberman and the regenerative knowledge of a Time Lord, you held yourself together by sheer force of will until you made it to the Emperor's world where you found a home in an empty suit of Cyber armor. Except...
Mr. Clever: You know, you can...
The Doctor: Not quite empty. Residual nanotech lurked in the metal skin which you were able to manipulate to restore the armor to power and take over a human body which, thanks to your Time Lord knowledge of regeneration, you were able to mold to look my old face and God, what a chin I had. You can poke an eye out with that thing. And that....
Mr. Clever: Oh, just shut up, already!
River: Doctor, that was...dare I say it?
The Doctor: Go on, River! Dare!
River: Very clever!
The Doctor: Thank you, River! I do so enjoy an appreciative audience.
Mr. Clever: A most remarkable narrative you've spun there, Doctor.
The Doctor: Yes, most remarkable and even better, it's true. "Mr. Clever will have his revenge." That was your first message. But you didn't hurt me or the emperor. But the Cybermen... Your revenge was on your own kind, the ones that kicked you out, that left you to die...
Mr. Clever: Ooh, your first mistake! My own kind? No! These lumbering flesh tanks! They have nothing on me! Do you hear me? NOTHING! I am something new! I can do something no ordinary Cyberman can do.
River: And what is that?
Mr. Clever: Evolve, Ms. Song. Evolve! Remember, Doctor? On that alternate world where an off shoot of the Cybermen were created? You said it....
Flashback to the 10th Doctor in The Age of Steel.
DOCTOR: The Cybermen won't advance. You'll just stop. You'll stay like this forever.
Back to the Mr. Clever, the 12th Doctor and River.
Mr. Clever: The Cybermen, locked in man-shaped steel cages, frozen, unchanging. I offered a chance for change, for growth. I offered a chance for the Cybermen to not just be great but to be greater! I offered ambition and they rejected me!
The Doctor: So you rejected the Cybermen! You hacked the Cybernet and...
Mr. Clever: ...and made them fools and laughingstocks across the galaxy. But that is not the complete focus of my attention. The Cybermen of old may be consigned to the junkyard of history but there's something new coming! Something... dangerous!
The Doctor: Dangerous? What are you up to? What game are you playing?
Mr. Clever: Oh, Doctor. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Spoilers, sweetie!
There is a brightening of the glow then the hologram vanishes, leaving the still form of the Cyberman, now dark and inert, leaving the Doctor and River to exchange worried glances.
Scene change: Mr. Clever steps off a glowing square and begins to walk purposefully down a dimly lit corridor.
Mr. Clever: I have distracted and dazzled the galaxy enough with the silly shenanigans of Cybermen run amuck. Meanwhile, I'm been readying for the future, a future that will fear the Cybermen as they have never been feared before. Behold...
Suddenly the lights come up in the corridor and lining down the walls on either side of Mr. Clever are rows and rows of silver beings, far sleeker and less cumbersome that the old Cybermen but somehow more deadly looking. There are black sunken insets where their eyes would be.
Mr. Clever: The evolution of the Cybermen!
And the eyes of the Cybermen begin to glow red.
------to be continue--------
________________________________
Next week, Mr. Clever unleashes the new and improved Cybermen. And there's nothing the Doctor or River can do to stop them.
Cybermania. Episode Five. Next Sunday.
Meanwhile a new post on something or another will be here on the blog tomorrow. Until then, remember to be good to one another.
And also remember...
It's fun to stay at the Y... M... C... A....!
The Doctor: Something like that will really stand out.
The Doctor: "Whatever you do, Doctor, do not push this button."
DOCTOR: The Cybermen won't advance. You'll just stop. You'll stay like this forever.
Back to the Mr. Clever, the 12th Doctor and River.
The Doctor: So you rejected the Cybermen! You hacked the Cybernet and...
Mr. Clever: ...and made them fools and laughingstocks across the galaxy. But that is not the complete focus of my attention. The Cybermen of old may be consigned to the junkyard of history but there's something new coming! Something... dangerous!
And the eyes of the Cybermen begin to glow red.
________________________________
Next week, Mr. Clever unleashes the new and improved Cybermen. And there's nothing the Doctor or River can do to stop them.
Cybermania. Episode Five. Next Sunday.
Meanwhile a new post on something or another will be here on the blog tomorrow. Until then, remember to be good to one another.
And also remember...
It's fun to stay at the Y... M... C... A....!
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