Friday, April 22, 2016

Broken News For Friday, April 22nd

Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog voted most likely to written by a warped individual who is off his medication. I'm Dave-El, a warped individual who is off his medication. 

Today I bring back for a special appearance the return of what used to be a weekly feature here on the ol' blog thing back in 2013 and 2014. It was my attempt at news satire that, much like Donald Trump, nobody wanted it and nobody asked for it. So naturally here it is again, the return of...

bROkEN nEWs! 

bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by....


Marijuana....just like your mother used
to grow in the garden out back.
Bring back the good ol' days when
mom and dad and the kids and even
the dog would get stoned out of your
fuckin' minds. Enjoy all natural
fresh from the garden....


Now should we finally get this stupid bROkEN nEWs thing

going or what? Let's check with Presidential candidate

Hillary Clinton and see what she thinks.  

An AWFUL idea? 

Yep, sounds like we should get bROkEN nEWs started in 5...


Sanders' Bold 2016 Plan Could Create A Superdelegate Mess                                                                                  

And you know superdelegates never clean up after themselves. Oh these superdelegates fly in with their super powers and wreck everything and someone else has to straighten up the mess! Superdelegates! They're a MENACE, I tells ya! 

Bernie Won't Back Down Despite New York Drubbing  

Bernie Sanders does not know the meaning of the word "quit". Seriously, he has an off brand dictionary he picked up real cheap from a used bookstore. Only goes to the letter "N". The last word Bernie knows is "nogoodnik".   

And now bROkEN nEWs is proud to present....


Take it away, Bernie! 

Well, it looks like Bernie made several points.

And this has been....


Now...back to the headlines! 

Donald likes to boast that he is the best driver ever, a totally awesome driver. His dad used to let him drive in the driveway. Yeah, Donald's an excellent driver. Yeah.  

Donald Trump is running for Pest Controller In Chief. He can also unclog drains. 

Then they would be losing to Donald Trump in the Republican primaries.  

GOP Lawmakers Are Already Planning To Bail On Their Own Convention

Man, we got things and shit to do and wait, is this in Cleveland? Fuck this! Cleveland? What were we thinking? 

CURT CUT! ESPN Fires Schilling Over Anti-Transgender Outburst

And you're listening to bROkEN nEWs Radio and we have a long distance dedication to Curt Schilling. Bummer about losing your job, bro! So here's a little song to make you feel better. Shania Twain and "Man! I Feel Like a Woman!"  

Actually I was only going to tip her $10 but it was the smallest bill I had. Oh, what the hell! You done good work, Harriet! Buy yourself something nice.  

Actually, former Presidential candidate Ben Carson thought Andrew Jackson was the legendary lost member of the Jackson Five who was replaced under mysterious circumstances by Tito.  

Suspicious New York Voting Issues Prompt Probe

New York responds, "Hey! Nothin' to see here! Fuggedaboutit! Capice? Youse know what I'm sayin'?"   

The sentence if someone is actually convicted? Actually having to drink the water from Flint.  

And no, the meeting is not with the President or someone on his staff. They're supposed to meet with the actual White House, 'cause, like, dude, if those walls could, like, talk, man, you know?  Oh, man! That's some heavy shit there, man! Pass me some Doritos! Dude! 

White House Denies Saudi Relations Have Taken Turn For The Worse

Sorry, guys, but things ain't looking too good. It's gotten to the point that Kelly Ripa won't appear on screen with the Saudi Prince.   

OK, so I'm trying to wrap my thoughts around this whole mess with Live With Kelly & Michael. It seems Michael Strahan has inked a deal to go to Good Morning, America and nobody bothered to tell Kelly Ripa this was happening so she's off mad and sulking over that. Which is weird because by all accounts, Kelly and Michael had a very "strained relationship" backstage. Translation: they hated each other. So Kelly is mad that the person she doesn't like is leaving. 

And you thought politics was weird. 

He's going back to good old racist rants.  

And you thought the thing on the Canadian flag was a maple leaf. I'm wondering, Canadians are so mellow and exceedingly polite, how will be able to tell when they're stoned on weed?  

Monica Lewinsky: Public shame ‘sticks to you like tar
That's not the sticky substance that comes to mind when we think of you, Monica. 


And that brings us to the end of today's special edition of bROkEN nEWs which has been brought to you by...


It's holds things together AND it's a great source of fiber AND it's gluten-free AND it's a great gift idea for Mother's Day!


Get some today! 

bROkEN nEWs is a production of I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Productions and Dave-El Enterprises Limited Inc. and refuses to be held responsible for its content.

bROkEN nEWs cannot be reproduced without dinner and a couple of drinks first, sailor. 

If you have any complaints or concerns regarding this edition of bROkEN nEWs, please bring these to the attention of our complaint department. 

Go on! Don't be shy!  

And that, as the saying goes, is that. Remember to be good to one another and I'll be back with another post tomorrow.

One Less Republican

Veteran GOP strategist Steve Schmidt renounced his Republican Party membership. The following is taken from a series of tweets that Schm...