Death By Roller Coaster

While we were on vacation down in Myrtle Beach, SC, we spent some quality family fun time at the Family Kingdom Amusement Park where my daughter Randie tried to kill me with a roller coaster.  

I have no idea where Randie gets here predilection for amusement park rides. Her mother Andrea and I are complete wusses when it comes to such rides. Randie, on the other hand, would live on a roller coaster if you would let her. 

Still, for whatever reason...call it love or guilt.... I have been talked into getting on such rides. She got me on Space Mountain that I still have nightmares about. Any familial obligation I ever had to accompany her on such rides should've ended with Space Mountain.

But noooooooooooooooooooooo.

Randie played up that she's 17 years old and she'll be graduating high school next year and this could be our last summer vacation together as a family and...

I swear her eyes got completely round like she was freakin' Bambi or something. 

Thus she entreated me to join her on the Swamp Fox.

This thing! 

The Swamp Fox is one of only 122 wooden roller coasters operating in North America, running over a 2,400 foot track reaching heights of 75 feet with drops of up to 65 feet. 

The Swamp Fox originally opened in 1966 as one of the rides at Grand Strand Amusement Park. In 1992, that park was renamed "Family Kingdom Amusement Park" and the Swamp Fox was  totally refurbished according to the original specifications of original designer John C. Allen.

In 2016, American Coaster Enthusiasts marked the 50th anniversary of the Swamp Fox by adding a historical marker. The Swamp Fox was declared a historic structure by the city of Myrtle Beach in March 2017.

It was this Swamp Fox that Randie wanted her dear father to ride with her. 

It was this Swamp Fox that Randie intended to use to kill her dear father with.  

The Swamp Fox is NOT a smooth ride. It shakes and batters the body over it's 2,400 foot long tracks. On the sharp curves and stomach churning drops, there is a very real sensation of being hurled out of my seat. I began to wonder if the park worker had seriously confirmed that was securely strapped into my seat. I don't think he did. What if the seat belt didn't fully click in place? Was this bar actually locked in place? 

As we hurried along our rattling course, I tried not to think about the age and construction of this all wooden death trap that my daughter was foolishly laughing at! What is wrong with her? This thing is OLD and DANGEROUS! Why did I ever agree to get on this thing. I'm pretty sure the brain in my skull has been shaken loose from its moorings. I'm pretty sure my internal organs are no longer in their original positions. I'm not sure where exactly the spleen is supposed to go but I'm pretty damn sure its not supposed to be in my foot. 

When the ride reached its end, I staggered from my seat and shambled across the platform away from this 2,400 foot long death trap. I tried to speak. My mouth formed what I assumed were words but those words did not organize themselves into anything resembling coherent sentences. My daughter tried to KILL ME with a roller coaster and I couldn't tell anyone. Shakily and haltingly, I shuffled to a bench to sit down and stare blankly into the neon lit world around me while Randie joined Andrea to ride the Hurricane. 

The Hurricane is this ride that travels a tight oval track at a high rate of speed; then, it reverses and travels a oval track at a high rate of speed backwards.  

Later we had our vengeance on Randie as the three of us boarded Family Kingdom's "Giant Wheel". It's a ferris wheel with round open gondolas that take riders to a height of more than 100 feet, offering a gorgeous panoramic view of Myrtle Beach and the Atlantic Ocean. 

This, of all things, frightens Randie. 

Go figure.