Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Legends of the Fall - Part 3

Okay and we're back.

You may recall from our first installment I was walking along and stupidly tripped over my own feet and fell in a parking lot very very very hard rendering myself incapacitated, my left arm completely useless and my right arm worked I was in a lot of pain and distress.  

You may recall in part one,  a passing motorist rolled down their window and said "I'm going to call nine-one-one okay , dude?" and then drove off.

I decided that probably wasn't really going to happen and I needed to try to seek my own salvation. Part 2 recounted my efforts to retrieve my cell phone from my pocket and get 911 on the phone after actually hanging up on them at least once when did 

Part 2 ended to the same place as part 1, with me lying in a parking lot in pain and unable to move my arms so here we are at part 3; hopefully we can move this narrative along out of this damn parking lot at last!

Within moments of my ending my call with a nine-one-one operator I was aware of a flashing red light and I turn my head slightly to see that a fire truck was approaching; it pulled into the parking lot of the rest area near my car and several firemen exited the vehicle and approached approach me to offer assistance explain the situation as best I could as they hunched down around me to see what they could do to make me more comfortable and ascertain what was actually going on. 

One fireman was a very helpful and supported my head from 
where it was laying on the pavement that was very nice very comfortable in his arms what are the other firemen time at a cursory examination and noticed that my left arm was in fact bleeding. 

I thought that I was kind of maybe aware of I thought that might be bleeding but because my arm was both paint in pain and now I'm at the same time it was real hard to tell 

Shortly thereafter an EMS Ambulance arrived 

The EMS workers with the help of the firemen placed me on a gurney and then I was placed in the back of the Ambulance
which is going to be fun because I have never rode an ambulance before 

At this moment I'm thinking about my mom my mom has written a number of ambulances in your life and never seem to enjoy the experience and I'm wondering how much that was just her being stubborn or grumpy or what?

Mom was very stubborn woman and yes, should could very grumpy. But she was right:  riding in an ambulance is NOT fun.  

Depending on which direction the ambulance turned, there was pressure and pain on either arm. And apparently ambulances have fuck all in the way of shock absorbers because I felt every single bump in the road. After a particularly bumpy stretch, I called out, "Hey, I think you missed a couple."  I was trying to have a sense of humor about this.  

Let me share this exchange.  The woman who is driving is talking to the hospital (and I'm paraphrasing here).

"EMS Alpha-Bravo 970 we are in route with a patient middle aged male with injury to his arm will need immediate attention. Over."

The reply from the hospital?  "Copy that EMS Alpha-Bravo 970. Can you hold please?"  

The woman who was driving said to the other EMS worker, "Did the hospital just put me on hold?"  Suffice to say my confidence in this scenario was not particularly robust to put it politely at that moment.   


The we arrived at the hospital. And it is here that the narrative becomes, dear reader, less cohesive. There is a certain clarity of thought that comes from lying painfully in a parking lot alone looking up into the dark night sky. That clarity vanishes in the whirlwind of florescent lights and kinetic activity of being in a hospital.   

I was moved from gurney to wheelchair to bed to wheelchair to table to wheelchair to bed. Over the course of these events, I was asked my name and date of birth 1,437,562 times. 

I also had to relate about half as many times the sequence of events that led me from normal walking human person to laying flat out in a rest area parking lot with a broken left elbow. (Over the course of the next few days, other descriptors of my left elbow included "shattered", "destroyed" and, at least once, "pulverized".) 

There seemed to be a lot of concern about what instigated my fall. I assured everyone repeatedly I had not been drinking or doing drugs. Which I almost wish I had; it would've been less embarrassing that just tripping over my own two big clumsy feet. And I could impart a lesson to America's youth.  

"If you drink or do drugs, don't drive. Don't even walk! Drinking or doing drugs along with walking can be dangerous. If you're drunk or high, don't take a single step. Just stop still where you are and slowly lower yourself to the floor or ground. Don't drink and walk, kids! It's bad!"

Blood tests gave proof to my assertions. Nope, not drunk or high. Just stupid and doesn't know how to walk.

I should also mention the bleeding. At the scene of my fall, the firemen and the EMS workers noted I was bleeding from my left arm. The area was treated on the scene and bandaged. During one stop when I was being moved around from room to room, a doctor took notice of the bandage and expressed concern. The source of the bleeding in the EMS report was described as an "abrasion". But when the doctor began to pull back on the bandage, she let out a startled yelp. 

No, I didn't have a doctor who was scared of blood. No, it was the quantity of blood that spewed forth that alarmed her. It seems the source of the bleeding was not an "abrasion" but a laceration.  Deeper injury, more blood. 

As I was wheeled out of that room, I noted with some bemusement just how red the floor was now.  You think I would've reacted more negatively. Instead, I apologized for making such a mess by bleeding all over their nice clean floor. 

By the way, attempts to X-ray my shattered elbow were the most painful things I went through at the hospital that night as I was being asked to contort myself in ways that no part of my body wanted to go in order to get a good X-ray picture.  

Finally I'm lying in a bed off of the Emergency Room while efforts are under way to get something done to secure my left arm and alleviate the pain and stress. I was asked if i could roll over on my right side.  

While all the fun stuff with bleeding and breakage was happening with my left arm, my right arm was hurting pretty bad. The idea of rolling on my right side held no allure for me. But let's help the folks out, OK?  So I grunted my assent and attempted to move to my right side. 

Suddenly.....

"MR. LONG! MR. LONG! WAKE UP!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME, MR. LONG! MR. LONG?"  

"Wha...? Huh?" 

"MR. LONG, DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE EXHIBITING SIGNS OF HAVING A STROKE?!?"

----to be continued----

Jerry Lewis, Comic Book Character

This weekend, Jerry Lewis passed away at the age of 91. In his latter years, Jerry became known more for being cantankerous and ill tempered...